TV with MeeVee: ***Emmy Liveblog****

(Editor's note: Our senior editor Joel Brown attempted the channel-flippingest feat of liveblogging ever on Sunday night, following the 59th annual Emmy Awards simultaneously with a Red Sox-Yankees game and the Patriots' season opener. He appears to have lost his inner censor somewhere along the way, but we hope he will recover himself and return to action later today for a more cogent commentary on the Emmy winners. The following is unedited. You've been warned...)

And away we go! Enough of the sycophantic crap! Enough of the pointless interview with Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Richardson, who aren't nominees but are on Fox! We're in the round! The show is starting! And here come Brian and Stewie! "Seems to be that nearly all television these days is complete trash," says Brian. And now they're into a musical number! They're croaking "Scrubs!" They talking about "Prime-time swill!" They're dissing "Cavemen!" We love this! ... They're dissing NBC: "I hear they're bring Seinfeld back to save a little face! I hear Isaiah Washington is taking Kramer's place!" ... And a "Sopranos" cut to black! ... Fabulous.

No pictures - Typepad won't let me post!! The laptop power cord isn't working, so I have to use the PC in the room where the TV remote is missing!!! Why is everyone against me???!!?? (Update, 9:14 I can post a pic. Big whoop.)

Now it's host Ryan Seacrest. Has he got leather lapels? What's up with that? At least he's making fun of himself for being loser enough to host the pre-show too. Oh crap, he mentions Shatner and Shatner stands up and starts talking...

Seacrest: "Congratulations on turning 18, Hayden! My gift is sweating you as far from Jeremy Piven as possible." This might be worth watching after all...

Ray Romano comes out to present the first award AND THEY LOSE THE SOUND AND WE GET A PICTURE OF THE MIRROR BALL or whatever it is. Nice work, Fox. Now he's back...still running his mouth....telling marriage jokes. Not so funny, except the Flavor Flav joke. Get on with it.

Romano makes the first blogger joke. Awww, screw you, Ray.

Finally, an award...Best supporting actor in a comedy...please not Johnny Drama please not Johnny Drama.... Piven again? ... Rainn Wilson to judge by the applause... And the Emmy goes to....Piven again. "I want to thank our entire crew. I don't know any of their names." OK, funny. But Wilson or Neil Patrick Harris shoulda won.

Now it's supporting actor in a drama, applause for almost everyone... and the Emmy goes to - Holy Shit! - Terry O'Quinn of "Lost." T.R. Knight looks brave - he thought he had this in the bag. O'Quinn thanks his his wife, she's like the 50-foot-woman from this angle! O'Quinn graciously gives props to his co-star/competitor Michael Emerson, who looks a lot happier than Knight.

Flick over to Patriots-Chargers in the commercial. They haven't kicked off yet. Red-Sox/Yankees? No score. Back to Fox....

Sally Field just looks fucking thrilled to be called a "legend," happier to be nominated.

Ryan makes a Paula Abdul dope joke connected to "Weeds." She isn't paying attention. "What?" Perfect.

Tina Fey and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss are presenting together. Funny fake bitchy. Did I say fake?

Best supporting actress in a comedy? Go jenna! Go jenna!

Jamie Pressly? W! T! F! Now I'm 0 for 3, and so are the Emmy voters. Have they even seen the shows? She's a better actor than Jenna? She gets all teary talking about her kid - but doesn't forget to thank her lawyer and manager.

Next category, supporting actor in a miniseries or movie. No one cares but it's funny when presenter Katherine Heigl corrects the announcer's pronunciation of her name...Thomas Haden Church wins for "Broken Trail." "Jumped out of limousine to pee. Pants immediately not fitting." What? I don't care who he dedicates his win to...

Patriots throw a long pass to the San Diego 7, score on the next play! Best video news of the night so far is Al Michaels saying, "It's almost as if the Patriots are saying we don't need any (spy) video..."

Red Sox 1, Yankees 0.

I'm DOING THIS WITHOUT A REMOTE, PEOPLE. The TV is within arm's reach, but it's still a lotta clicks from Fox to ESPN...

Ellen is on now, schticking with Hugh Laurie...It's a montage!...Late-night jokes...Nice segue onto Conan, Dave, Jay and the rest saluting Tom Snyder. So far the only non-ironic moment of the show.

Now there's six presenters, the "Entourage" dudes and Eva Longoria. For supporting actress in a drama. An early hint of how "The Sopranos" will do? At least Piven pronounces "Heigl" correctly. And she gets the Emmy. Looks like she brought her mom! "Thanks for getting my name right," she says. "My own mother told me I didn't have a shot in hell of winning tonight." I half-called this one. 0.5 outta 4. Woohoo!

Comedy writing? I'm checking the sports....

No wait, this is funny. Each show does a clip. All Colbert's writers are beating the crap put of him. Alberto Gonzales "doesn't recall" any "Daily Show" writers. Conan's writers are Latin day laborers getting into a truck. Letterman uses a montage of Bush-is-an-idiot clips. Bill Maher does Sen. Craig restroom video - Binaca!

And the Emmy goes to...Conan.

Conan writers are funny! A Katherine Heigl's mother joke! An O.J. joke!

Sox 1, Yankees 0. Lugo on, Ellsbury at the plate, hit and run, Lugo advances....

Brady passes for a first down....

Who knew "7th Heaven" was still on??? The things you find without a remote....

I just noticed I typed "sweating" instead of "seating" in the Hayden Panettiere line. Freudian slip?

Best inside joke so far - Seacrest is talking about how green the Emmys show is, and he says it's being powered from backstage, where they've got the "Kid Nation" cast on treadmills.

Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilera? Steppin' out with my baby... He sounds great, she sounds good, and she actually looks classy instead of trashtastic. What's this got to do with TV today? No idea.

I switch to NBC just in time to see Brady throw another touchdown, this time to Randy Moss. 14-0 Pats. Maybe I don't need that remote. When I turn back, some guy is collecting what seems to be a musical award of some kind so maybe Bennett was there for a reason.

Robert Duvall gets the Emmy for best actor in a mini or movie and starts by praising presenter Kiefer Sutherland's horsemanship. Cool.

Seacrest doing blog shtick with a kid in the audience, first Vanessa Hudgens joke!

How about some comments, people? Have you nothing to say? I know you're reading! I can see you in the referrers!

"Roots" is having its 30th anniversary, sez Queen Latifah. Several cast members take a bow. They're giving out the best miniseries award. There's only three nominees, and the Emmy goes to "Broken Trail," Duvall's thing.

Hayden presenting with Neil Patrick Harris. "So everybody's favorite cheerlerader just turned 18, and we all know what that means, right guys? (Beat.) New voter!" Niiiice.

Guest actor and actress in a drama....the winners are ... wait, they hand off to Leslie Caron to name the winners...did I miss something... what? She's naming the directing nominees....screw it, I'm checking the ballgames. Still 1-0 Sox. Holy crap the Pats are in the red zone again....

David Chase is winning a big one for writing "The Sopranos...." Big surprise.

17-0 Pats.

We're almost halfway through the Emmys...

Steve Carell is presenting. Offers up another comedy video with other "Office" cast members talking about him...funny. He reads the nominees for best variety or comedy show, it's all the late-nights. "Daily Show" wins, Colbert gives Stewart a hug in the aisle. Stewart, not being funny. Talks about sending a crew to Iraq "and they found laughs in hell," his proudest achievement so far. Nice. But the opening number with Stewie and Brian from "Family Guy" is still the funniest part of this show so far.

The accountants come out to get their tepid applause. On Nick they would have slimed them. Why not? That would have been funny.

Switch over to the Pats - first play - San Diego has the ball - INTERCEPTION - soon it's 23-0. OK, I don't have to watch this anymore. Sox-Yanks is 1-1 in the 5th.

Superwomen of cable! Glenn, Kyra, Mary-Louise!!! Everybody cheers for cable shows about strong women! Quick cut to Ellen and Kelsey and others in the front row, all looking bored. Why? They're giving the best made-for-TV movie award. "Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee" wins.

The cast of "Jersey Boys" is up there lip-syncing a tribute to "The Sopranos" with doowop from the 50s and 60s. Not a note of Journey. What a stupid idea. And it already seems like it's going on forever... Here comes the cast, though. Nice to see Hesh again. Maybe Chase will explain the ending? This is just a fucking curtain call? Why not just give them the statue now, then?

Still with the miniseries or movie awards. I don't care. Except if Debra Messing wins over Helen Mirren, I will have a stroke. YES - Mirren wins. Phew. What is she wearing, though? I mean, that's a lot of purple silk.

Lewis Black dishing it out to TV exec! Job is to tell the story! Not promos for the next show, or the show premiering in two weeks! WE DONT CARE ABOUT THE NEXT SHOW!!! WE'RE WATCHING THE SHOW!!!!!! Right on!

The Pats are beating San Diego 76-0, and Bill Belichick just turned into a giant fire-breathing dragon and ate LaDainian Tomlinson. At Fenway, it's still 1-1.

10pm, just an hour to go, all the big awards. What do you think, time for a drink? I'm having one. You get your own.

Masi Oka is manning a laptop...he's a computer graphics wiz in real life...he's dialing up the prez of MySpace online to present Emmy for interactive TV to Al Gore's Current network. Gore is coming up. PC Hollywood is giving him a big ovation for saving the planet or whatever, but not as big as they gave the Sopranos. Anyone ever actually see Current? Man is this segment a wank. Gore is talking about reclaiming America democracy again. Dude, you lost.

Joely Fisher looks like she's coming out of her dress, and she and Brad Garrett are joking about the "threat of actual nipple." Oh boy they may be about to give Tony Bennett another award. I bet he'd rather have some nipple. An award isnt going to keep you warm at night.

Elaine Stritch is having trouble with the cards. "I'm not faking this. I really dont know what the hell I'm doing."

Greg Daniels finally won something for "The Office," for writing the "Gay Witch Hunt" episode. Isaiah Washington just doubled for the Yankees.

10:20, can we give out some real awards soon? Where are ze stars??

Ryan Seacrest in a "Tudors" costume. He says it looked "a lot less gay on the rack." This is instead of being funny. He introduces Wayne Brady to give out the best reality show award. Brady says he looks like "the medieval pimp." Nice that the first pimp joke of the night comes from a black actor.

Now Rainn Wilson is coming up for some schtick with Kanye West. Kayne with white sneakers below his suit. They're doing a "dont forget the lyrics" bit based on ... the lyrics of Kanye West. He's rapping, but they say he got it wrong - said "You" instead of "Ya." Now Wilson is rapping the same lyric and getting it right. This was probably a lot funnier on the page. Funniest line of the night, especially after last week's VMAs meltdown, is from Kanye: "I never win."

"The Amazing Race" wins this category again.

Oh hell it's the eighth, still 1-1 at Fenway and the Yankees have men on second and third, two out. Schilling is still on the mound, Jeter at the plate. Hope those commercials last a long time. SHIT, jeter just hit a three-run homer. Back to the Emmys.

Colbert and Stewart are sharing the stage. Even they're not funny tonight. Especially when it's 4-1 Yankees. There is no such thing as a funny joke about carbon offsets. This is not exactly connecting with the average viewer.

Finally time to name the best actor in a comedy series... And the winner is.... RICKY GERVAIS???!!!! WHAT THE ???!!!! Then Stewart says Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so we're going to give the Emmy to our friend Steve Carell. Wild celebration ensues!! They totally hijacked it! Awesome!!!

Best actress in a drama? Sally Field for "Brothers & Sisters." Bet she doesn't mind being a legend now! I had her the first time around, then changed my pick, dammit! And she starts talking about the war and they cut to silence and the mirror ball again???!!! The show manages to be wildly unpredictable but, except for that last bit with Carell, totally boring.

Best actress in a comedy? America Ferrera!!!! Total upset. Wow.

Best actor in a drama now. Gandolfini as predicted by all? Or Laurie as I hope?

Andf the winner is....JAMES SPADER OF BOSTON LEGAL. Apparently all the Emmy voters are on drugs. You have GOT to be kidding me. But at least O.J. is in jail, right? I mean, life is still worth living and everything.

Now just coincidentally Grammer and Heaton are here to present best comedy series. Who the hell knows, but I'm guessing "Betty."

AND "30 ROCK" WINS! Great choice, but ... what the hell??? What is this, the one-Emmy-per-show awards?

The Patriots are winning 387-14.

The Sox are still losing.

Mirren to announce the winner for best drama. It better be "The Sopranos." But anything can happen now.

And the winner is... "The Sopranos" ... she shows us instead of tells us.

And here they all come, one last time.

Nice to see Matthew Weiner there - hope he'll be back next year for "Mad Men." Hugs all around. Genuine applause. Chase holding the statue. Stroking his chin. Thanking the actors. "Hell, let's face it. if the world and this nation was run by gangsters, and maybe it is..."

Emmys over! Back to Fenway! Lugo doubles with two out, scoring Varitek! 4-3 Yankees! Bottom of the 9th, and rookie sensation Jacoby Ellsbury is at the plate....Time to be a hero AND RIVERA HITS HIM. Jay-sus! Talk about best drama...

Pedroia at the plate...

Strike one. Foul, strike two. Stephen King is leaning over banging on the boards.

Two balls, two strikes now.

Full count! HE WALKS HIM. Here comes Big Papi!

Papi pops up. Yankees win 4-3. Crap.

I'm going to bed. Thanks for reading. Tell me what you thought of the show - or the game - in the comments.