"American Idol" Results Show Liveblog: I am, I cried

No, Paula, everyone loves who you are!

Sigh. It's the results show on "American Idol's" Neil Diamond Week, and the worst part is we have to sit through a recap of the almost uniformly terrible performances. Just me, or was this the worst week ever, musically? And now a live medley....Sing Sung Very Blue.

At least last night there was the comedy highlight of Paula reviewing Jason's two performances - before we'd heard the second one. The first big moment in tonight's show is when Ryan talks about the judges being thrown a "curveball" during the performance show and how that resulted in a lot of "rumors" about Paula and how those rumors aren't true. Paula looked mortified and then relieved and validated. Because, you know, everyone loves her and stuff. That doesn't explain her surreal gaffe, but...

And the first reveal - Jason is safe. Of course. Since he was the one who totally sucked on both his numbers last night. Even after he performed the second one.

Archuleta's safe too. Like that's a surprise.

Now they're giving us a three-minute commercial for "So You Think You Can Dance" and not even pretending it's something else. Now we have a product placement, with the winner of the Coca-cola "American Idol" cup design contest. WTF! Could we have some entertainment please????

David Cook is safe too! So it's Syesha and Brooke in the bottom two. Syesha looks happy and confident. Brooke doesn't. Look out Syesha!

Ryan's torturing the two girls with banter now. Almost all of the final five tonight have admitted to a large measure of ignorance about the mentors' songs they've been singing...

Natasha Bedingfield performs. We are left to wonder what insider contact with the producers got her this gig, as opposed to an artist we actually want to hear. When she's done, Ryan asks her to relate a nerve-wracking story about her own early auditions, and she says oh yes, and then she says, well, there weren't any, but um, I'm sure auditions are nerve-wracking. Ahahahahaha.

Now - audience questions. Time to get more wine. The first one gives Paula a chance to talk about keeping the contestants' dreams alive. Much more wine. And the second question is for Paula too. Can this be coincidence? And the third one is some woman who kissed Simon when they were both 9....there isn't enough wine in the world. But Simon actually looks truly nonplussed, which is funny. And almost a little sweet. Until Paula makes a rabies joke.

The Ford commercial tonight is "Catch the Wind." In which Ford brings color to the grey dying world. Ugh.

Neil sings. "Pretty Amazing Grace." And it's Neil Diamond, you know. But even though he's middle of the road schmaltzy and 60something, he's still singing the kids through the floor. It's personality, star quality, whatever - he communicates so much, his voice has so much force of personality. Cook is the only one who stands a chance.

NEIL DIAMOND'S MOTHER IS IN THE AUDIENCE.

"I thought the kids were great and there were some spectacular performances..." Sure, Neil.

Syesha. Brooke. Who goes? Syesha's still happy, Brooke still terrified. And ...Brooke was right...she's gone...and she's sobbing her brains out. As Kristy Lee Cook watches from the audience, looking kinda "Mean Girls" satisfied.

Montage!!

Brooke STILL sobbing her eyes out. An actual genuine person.

And now she's gotta SING. Now that's your drama. Singing through the tears. The first time Neil Diamond's been done right all week. I am, I said, though my tears!!!! The last words she sings are "lonely still." Awesome.

"Idol" wins again.