"American Idol" Inspires... Something

Tonight, the final eight contestants on "American Idol" will be singing songs that inspire them. Mercifully, Ryan gets right to the singing, so I can get right to the reviewing and ranking. The short version: Everybody but me loves David Archuleta. And even I think he's kind of adorable.

Michael Johns is up first singing "Dream On." I suppose it's a well-known song, full of big vocals and room to rock out, but does anyone think it's a little sad that he thinks Steven Tyler is inspirational? He does a pretty good job with it, hitting the high notes pretty well. But if this is the week, as Randy says, where singers get a chance to "tell us who you are," and really express what their dreams are, it seems like he's aiming pretty damn low to aspire to front an Aerosmith cover band.

Sort of like in the Ford commercial that follows his performance, which boasts of having the world's most fuel-efficient SUV.

Next up, Syesha Mercado, who misses Ramiele and sings "I Believe" by Fantasia, who won "Idol" back in '04. Now this is the kind of crap song and "Idol" ass-kissing I've been expecting! It's an enormous tub of schmaltz, and she dives right the hell in. She's a great performer, connecting with the audience and looking like she's having a great time up there, and she hits all the notes. I thought her ending was squealy, but the judges think her only flaw is not being as emotionally brilliant as Fantasia.

Oh god, Jason Castro is going to sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" - the Bruddah Iz version. It's a great version of a big old torch song, only slightly spoiled by hyper-literal rainbow-colored lighting all over the stage and audience. It's a canny selection because it appeals to two key demographics of the "Idol" audience: Little girls and middle-aged queens. (Is it a bad sign that I'm getting bored with making jokes about that?) Randy loves it. Paula says he has "the most definitive sound," whatever that means. Simon loves it. Simon loves something. Weird.

Kristy Lee Cook (right, with horse's ass) is the VFTW favorite and she's singing Martina McBride's "Anyway," a song that has reached high into the charts in the "Hot Country, "Hot Christian," and "Hot Christian Adult Contemporary" categories. In VFTW's eyes, this is right in line with her usual tactics aimed at the "redneck" vote. In my mind, it's a song about perseverance in the face of adversity. Adversity like having to listen to Kristy Lee Cook. The judges love it, for some reason. Paula's making another joke about her chihuahuas loving the song too, and given the way she's got her breasts squished up in that dress, I can't tell if she's talking about them or about her pet dogs.

David Cook will be singing "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace, a Canadian alt-music band. It sounds like everything else on the rock charts these days, and doesn't have enough vocal range to show off Cook's talents as a singer. Frankly, it's a terrible song choice, as much as it may have inspired him personally. Randy and Simon think it was terrible, Paula of course thinks it's fantastic. Oddly, Randy dislikes it because of the song choice, and Simon thinks Cook's jacket is ugly. Simon Cowell: Arbitrary hater. Awww, he wrote "give back" on his hand. If he means it, he's sweet enough that the music business will destroy him; if he doesn't mean it, he's a horrible person. Either way, he's not going to win this contest.

Carly Smithson: Queen. Haven't the contestants learned better than to cover Queen songs on this show by now? Apparently not. Last week she got insulted for dressing like a tramp. This week she's in some fashion-forward high-waisted jeans and a ugly, but not hideous, top. The pants make her ass look a mile long and is that a panty line? Apparently the singers will be on Fox News At Ten to talk about their "Idol" makeovers, and I can only hope that Kristy admits that whoever ran her look got their ass fired. Oh, the song? Boring. This is without a doubt the worst song I've heard tonight. Even Paula struggles to say something positive about it.

David Archuleta is next, singing "Angels" by Robbie Williams. The audience is in love with him and thinks he can do no wrong, but I'm just not really feeling it. Boring song and a boring performance. Obviously, all the judges are thrilled. Simon criticizes the vocal a tiny bit, but is booed down by the crowd. He could get up on stage and crap on the bible, and people would still vote for him.

Last: Brooke White, singing "You've Got A Friend," the Carole King song famously covered by James Taylor. She says it's a "feel-good song that makes people happy," but I seem to remember it being the sort of song you play while crying and chasing chasing your Valium with cheap white wine. She doesn't screw up badly, so I'm thinking she's safe, especially compared to Kristy Lee and Carly.

Comments

[lindy natin]

You're clueless....sorry

[bela]

Hilarious, hilarious and oh so insightful ..thanks Aaron!

[betty brown]

I think Michael has a great voice and is very good looking , but a bit slow. Why doesn't he do what he does best. Sing the blues songs. He has been told tme ather time after time that he is not a rocker. Let it go Michael. Rocjk is not for you.

[dan]

I agree with lindy natin. such poor reviews for such good singers. are you that jealous or just that stupid.