TV with MeeVee

BSG Scorecard: Drink, Scream, Rinse, Repeat

Oh Starbuck, nobody has a freakout like you do. Oh sure, Gaius might be hallucinating a slicker, greasier version of himself and Roslin may be quietly self-destructing, but nobody has an old-fashioned, laying on the floor, screaming at the top of your lungs freakout like Kara Thrace.

After the wind-up in the first episode, here comes the pitch. Everyone's nerves are turned up to 11 and the situation is changing too fast to have any chance of finding a balance point. Of course, since it's BSG, it's only going to get spectacularly, horribly worse. My biggest problem with this show is it's just so unrelentingly cheerful and twee, it's like watching an episode of the "Care Bears" for Crissake. Let's see how we did on points, shall we?

Weekend Picks: April 12-13

Dexter
Dexter's biological father, thought to be long dead, has died for real this time. Dexter is appointed executor of the will. Executor seems about right as a title, to be honest.

Desperate Housewives
New, for the first time since January. Secrets: Katherine can't keep them, Susan's hot young cousin can't keep them, and surprise! Someone's getting married. Bree's roof is fixed, but her life is still a disaster.

The Simpsons
Homer's old country-singing pal Lurleen Lumpkin is broke and owes back taxes to the city, so the Simpsons take her in to help her get back on her feet. Dixie Chicks guest star as themselves.

David Boreanaz Talks "Bones," Part I

Fan favorite David Boreanaz will be forever TV legend as Buffy's vampire love Angel, both in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and the spinoff "Angel." Now he's FBI agent Seely Booth, bantering with Emily Deschanel's forensic anthropologist Temperance "Bones" Brennan on Fox's "Bones." The show is not as beloved as "Buffy" - what is? - but Boreanaz remains a fan fave. Booth is brave, flirty and fun.

After a layoff since November, "Bones" returns to Fox next week in yet another timeslot - Mondays at 8 - and Boreanaz got on the phone with a few reporters Friday afternoon to talk about it. We'll post more from the interview on Monday.

Question: What is your thought about (Booth and Bones) getting together?
Answer: I think they already are. I don't think they neccessarily were ever apart. The functuion of the relationship really is the function of the show in a lot of ways. These two characters drive these plotlines, they drive these shows. (The writers) put them in circumstances they wouldn't neccessarily think they'd be in, and it drives them together or pulls them apart. The kiss, for example, on (the Christmas show), it was a dare, and they both knew it was coming, and it brought them closer. It won't affect them greatly, but they know that kiss happened...they will start putting themselves in those situations (but) we're not going to go to a place where its completely the whole time. We'll be teasing and flirting with the audience and I don't think that's a problem at all.

"Meeting David Wilson" On MSNBC

We don't usually get serious here on TV With MeeVee, but "Meeting David Wilson" looks too awesome to pass up. David Wilson, a young African-American man living in Newark, New Jersey, explores the history of his family and his community, and of the relationships between Black and White Americans.

One crucial stop is a meeting with someone else named David Wilson, an older white man whose ancestors owned Wilson's ancestors. They might even be related.

It's not a comedy. It's not funny. But once you've seen it, you'll be able to watch "Big Brother" without feeling guilty.

"Quarantine:" Yet Another Vampire Virus Movie

I remember hearing about this Spanish horror movie called [rec] awhile back, and it looked kind of cool but I never saw it. Now io9 says they're remaking it for US audiences as "Quarantine," starring Jennifer Carpenter ("Dexter"). In this context, it's more than a simple horror flick, though. It's become a terrifying allegory about the failings of contemporary journalism and the overreach of the Department Of Homeland Security.

TiVo got it wrong; "American Idol" ringers

So I went over to Farhad Majoo's Salon blog to gloat about TiVo's failure to predict the "American Idol" ejectee last night, and I found this post with an excellent recap of all the career opportunities that these "unknowns" have already enjoyed. Good reading if you think "Idol" is really about rewarding total unknowns.

D'Onofrio Gets Shaggy For "Criminal Intent"

Vincent D'Onofrio is definitely looking more than a little unshaven in this picture from the set of "Criminal Intent" this week.

If previous episodes are any indication, that means something horrible is going to happen to him, and he's going to spend a lot of time indoors, not shaving and looking sad.

On the other hand, he's wearing a rather nice blazer, which doesn't make much sense combined with his ragged beard.

What's up, L&O? When I tune into your show, I expect that the wardrobe department will provide me with clear symbols of every character's emotional state! I need to know what they're feeling even when the TV is on mute! How dare you provide conflicting signs of emotion!?

The Lost "Lost" Opening

J.J. Abrams is a TV maverick, you can tell by the way he eschews such tired ideas as plot resolution and coherent answers to questions, and perhaps most importantly, by the edgy, minimalist opening on "Lost." As it happens, I like the absence of opening credits. Particularly if, like me, you enjoy marathoning a show on DVD, listening to the same credit sequence again and again can get boring. Not everyone agrees with me, however, and there's a whole cottage industry (if something that no one gets paid for, or wants, can be called an "industry") building imagined opening credits out of scavenged clips from the show. They range in quality from good to bad, but Slash Film has found what has to be the very best of the bunch, "Lost" as a kind of low-rent 90s "Baywatch" style drama. The theme song really is the very best part.

Reality TV Vs. Consular Procedure

Every year, "ANTM" sends its final few contestants abroad somewhere. This year, though, one contestant's travel is a little more complicated: Fatima is a legal US resident but a Somalian citizen, and therefore needs a visa to travel to wherever it is they're going. Of course, the CW is honor-bound to use all bureaucratic hurdles as a chance to dangle a contestant over a precipice, so Fatima's consular appointment makes her miss a photoshoot.

Obviously the whole thing could have been arranged without the drama, but when the drama's the point, why not milk it?

Hey, Remember 1990?

1990. Grunge hadn't yet hit the scene, and 80s thrash-metal was still a major influence. Music video production was just beginning to get over its neon cliches. Mike Patton joined Faith No More. And we got this bizarre concotion:

Katie Couric Does Hamlet: To Leave Or Not To Leave

Yesterday's news reports of an early 2009 Katie Couric exit from CBS News drew denials from network execs, who swear they're happy with her shitty ratings newscast. But the Times reports this morning that the whole situation has mushroomed to the point that Couric might split before the presidential election. One exit strategy - taking over Larry King's CNN gig. Not sure Larry will be happy about that suggestion. Meanwhile, Time's James Poniewozik explicates Couric's ratings failure as part of a larger trend, the decline of the network evening newscast. Nobody is worth $15 million a year in the anchor chair anymore, he says. Nobody.

That's Entertainment! "Survivor," "American Idol" Shockers

Holy good TV, Batman! Simultaneous zaps on CBS' "Survivor" and Fox's "American Idol" last night left fans cheering - if not for the outcomes, then for the sheer drama of what happened. On "Survivor," outcast Eliza ended up on the losing end of Ozzy's super-slick maneuver weeks ago, when he found the hidden immunity idol and replaced it with a fake. She stepped up with what she hoped was the real idol to protect her at tribal council and her ass was sent packing. She made game history, alright, just not the way she hoped. Bwahahahahaha! Meanwhile, over in Hollywood, hunky Michael Johns was in the bottom three for the first time ever - he couldn't be the one going home, could he? Could he? Bwahahahahaha! Ok, maybe his fans weren't so happy, but they were screaming. Johns took it like a man, though.

Tonight's Picks: Friday, April 11

Duel
The head-to-head trivia gameshow is back, slightly revamped, and possibly still interesting. Other game shows on tonight: "Amne$ia" and "The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular."

Canterbury's Law
Elizabeth's jury-tampering might lead to disbarment, so her pals all rally round to save her by attacking Zach Williams. The practice of law has never looked so noble.

Colbert Report
Rerun of last night's show, but on air before your bedtime. Warning: The truth may cause indigestion and rage.

Couple late-day notes

• CBS read all the stories and blogs earlier today and felt compelled to say that they are just thrilled with Katie Couric's shitty ratings newscast and that they'll never ever cut her loose until they do. (E! Online)
• Don't pass out, but Craig Ferguson actually beat Conan O'Brien last week in total viewers. (NYT)
• Well, there's one person who doesn't want to see Britney back on "How I Met Your Mother." (AP)

"30 Rock" Preview!

Ooh! A snazzy new preview of tonight's all-new "30 Rock," in which Jack reveals that, due to a speech impediment, he was once legally branded a "Class A Moron." Baldwin actually manages to make a classy joke about mental retardation, and for that, I love this show.

"Secret Talents" To Remain Hidden

CBS has whacked "Secret Talents of the Stars" after just one low-rated airing on Wednesday night, AP reports. Apparently George Takei, Country Singer was something viewers just didn't want to see, and the already small audience shrunk during the course of the hour. Blessedly, this will relieve us from finding out what "secret" talents Danny Bonaduce is still hiding. Shudder.

TiVo Your "American Idol" Faves

Word is going around that our friends at TiVo have finally come up with a more-or-less foolproof way of predicting who's going to voted off "American Idol" each week. Allegedly the company monitors a large sample of users to find out which contestants get watched and which ones get fast-forwarded. The one that the most people went for the FF button has been the one voted off for four weeks in a row. The TiVo prediction for tonight is that Syesha is going home, but considering she's been in the bottom three almost every week and even the judges say she has great pipes and no personality, that's not like a genius call. I haven't found an on-the-record version of this item, either, although I've seen it a few different places this morning.

Online Video Killed The "America's Funniest" Star

Last week, for reasons I'm not entirely sure about, I saw about two minutes of "America's Funniest Home Videos." Yeah, it's still on. And you know what? I laughed.

It wasn't anything special: A guy getting hit in the nuts with a baseball. A guy getting hit in the nuts with a football. A dog knocking over a camera. A hamster tripping on its own feet. But it was hilarious. And it occurred to me that I still watch a lot of similar stuff, although not on TV. I watch it on YouTube and MySpaceTV and so forth.

Accidental slapstick is still totally awesome. Seriously, just watch this kid and tell me that's not funny. I mean, assuming he doesn't have horrible neck injuries. If he's really hurt himself, it's downright hilarious.

If you watch this 100 times you will still laugh 2!

Too Soon! Too Unnecessary! Ben-Hur Remade?

With poor dear old Chuck Heston barely in his grave, he's already being given cause to spin in it. Word is that David Wyler (son of William Wyler, who directed the original) is set to remake "Ben-Hur" as a TV mini-series. “We’ve got a joke that this is the family business,” Wyler told Variety. “In my mind this is dedicated to my dad and Chuck. We think it’s a great way to keep his memory alive.”

Okay, Dave, in your mind it's a hat's off to those who came before. In our minds it's yet another gratuitous remake of a movie that's mostly a classic when viewed through the rose-colored glasses of fond nostalgia. The new Ben will get a 30-million dollar make-over, with Christian Duguay (who directed "Human Trafficking," "Lies My Mother Told Me," and many other things you never saw) at the helm. The mini has already been sold to Spain, Germany, and Canada, with a couple of American networks tossing it around like a hot potato.

Oh well, it could be worse, someone could be remaking "Casablanca". Oh, wait.

The Appeal Of "Bones"

It took me a long time to understand why people bothered to watch "Bones." It's not really a great show. It's not terrible or anything, but it's pretty derivative. You can trace its lineage back through "CSI" and "Law And Order" and the mystery novels it's loosely based on. Nothing special.

But I keep forgetting it's got David Boreanaz as Agent Seely, and that he's basically the small-screen version of George Clooney: Mature, affable, adorable, manly, soulful. 

Watching Seely solve a crime or struggle manfully with his violent past is like wrapping yourself in a blanket on a cold winter night. He's got an emotional depth that a lot of regular guys either never achieve, or hide because it's a sign of weakness.

"Bones" returns from strike-induced hiatus on April 14th. The lead-off episode features the remains of a motorcycle racer found buried in hot mud in a national park. And more importantly, it features David Boreanaz.

Midday reading

• A few words from Tina Fey as "30 Rock" returns tonight. (AP)
• Kickin' Katie Couric to the curb? Possible. (Reuters)
• Definitely possible. (TV By The Numbers)
• Nikki Finke brings us all the drama of the World Asshole Summit Ovitz testimony in the Pellicano trial. (Deadline Hollywood Daily)
• All three of you who were watching the Discovery Home Network will soon be going to Planet Green. (TV Decoder)
• The new HBO programming chief speaks. (TV Decoder)
• The enw HBO programming chief deconstructed. (TV By The Numbers)
• More on the "Smallville" meltdown. (Buddy TV)
• Candidates got voted off "American Idol" special. Ahahahahahahahahaha! (NYT)

Stanley Kamel, 65, Found Dead

"Monk" actor Stanely Kamel was found dead in his home Tuesday. He played Dr. Kroger on the show, which stars Tony Shaloub as an obsessive-compulsive detective. Few details are available at this time, but Access Hollywood promises to reveal them as they emerge.

"Gossip Girl" Returns, Dirtier Than Ever

I'm on the record as saying "Gossip Girl" is a horrible scourge on humanity, or something along those lines. Nonetheless, I'm aware that my opinion isn't the only one out there.

I'm aware that an awful lot of people like Serena (Blake Lively) and her pals and their various antics.

And looking at this new poster for the upcoming season, which starts April 21, I can see why.

Ausiello says the "F" in the poster only appears in some locations, but I agree with him that no matter what, it's going to spark some protest. Which, of course, is probably the point. The angrier prudes and snobs get, the more people will watch the show.

Tonight's Picks: Thursday, April 10

For the first time in what seems like ages, NBC has an evening of all-new, all-scripted entertainment. Just check back here on TV With MeeVee to find out who got axed on "American Idol," and watch some of this:

30 Rock
Jack is pleased by the success of "MILF Island" but angered that someone in the office has said something mean about him to a gossip columnist.

The Office
Finally, a new episode! Jan and Michael host a dinner party. Hijinks sure to follow.

Scrubs
As a gift for Carla, Turk learns Spanish, with possibly amusing consequences. A burn patient wants a day-pass to go to graduation, and Dr. Cox has pranks in store for Kelso.

Liveblogging "Idol Gives Back"

I just don't know if I can manage the suspension of cynicism that will be required, but here we go...remember, we mock because we care...

We got so-you-think-you-can-dancers. We got the Final 8. We got a medley. We got David Archuleta with a hopeful and joyous grin. Oh boy its going to be a long night. But it's for a good cause. Let's hold onto that.

NASCAR champ Jimmy Johnson is the first celeb to give the call-in number for donations. Now Kylie Minogue. Does anyone in America know who she is? Maria Shriver and her scary cheekbones now, trying to get us to donate or better yet, volunteer...

Ben Stiller. "Stiller Whips Whitney's Ass For Charity." I'd pay to hear that.

To give: 1-877-436-5243 or www.americanidol.com.

"Simpsons" Theme Park Ride... Of Course

Just what I've always wanted. A website based on a theme-park ride based on a TV show.

Look, I love "The Simpsons." I love them with all the power my jaded, withered little heart can summon for a show that, even past its prime, is still one of the most reliably entertaining half-hours on TV.

But give me a break with all the merch, OK?

Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie

"The Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show" do a great job of skewering political and national news, but what about the equally overblown and uninformative local news? Who will mock them and remind them of their place in the world? Well, obviously, that duty falls to the Onion News Network, in clips like this one, where anchors debate which actors will portray missing hikers in the TV movie that will inevitably portray their possibly-fatal ordeal.

"SNL" Takes On "Top Chef" With Christopher Walken

This past weekend, "Saturday Night Live" and guest Christopher Walken made fun of "Top Chef." Tonight, I'll be doing the same thing in blog format. Only I won't have Christopher Walken or someone who's supposed to look like a deeply stoned Padma Lakshmi. It's just me and my ego against the vast wasteland.

And I'm going to be funnier.

s n l - t o p c h e f from seriouseats on Vimeo.

Mary Louise Parker Dumps Her Dead Husband

Mary Louise Parker (Nancy Botwin on "Weeds") has broken up with her fiancee, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Morgan is best known for his role on "Grey's Anatomy," but he also plays Nancy's dead husband Judah on "Weeds."

In flashbacks, of course, not as the actual mouldering corpse. This is the second split for the pair (left, in happier times) who broke up back in June before reconciling and getting engaged this year. Word is that they're still going to be friends and everything. Of course.

What gets me is that he plays her dead husband. Does anyone else think it's kind of weird to be dating someone that plays your dead husband on TV? I'm sure professional actors would probably get over it in about thirty seconds, but I'd get anxious spending all that time pretending they were dead.

Danny Noriega Is The Johnny Weir Of "American Idol"

A lot of people assume that a lot of the guys on "American Idol" are gay, because it's a show that's full of over-emotional arm-waving and silly costumes. And a lot of people assume that all the guys who figure skate are gay, too. They're not.

Not all of them. Some of them, of course, are as gay as a handbag full of rainbows. Then there are people like Johnny Weir and Danny Noriega, who don't even have to talk about their sexuality for their effeminate mannerisms to make Tinky Winky look butch.

Here's Noriega's latest video. For comparison, after the jump I've inserted a Johnny Weir video.

Frankie Muniz: The Ex-Cutie Living The Dream

Frankie Muniz is best known as Malcom from "Malcom In The Middle," but he's not that gawky little boy any more. As you'll recall if you read this blog regularly, the wacky dad from that show became the far more disturbed father on "Breaking Bad," but what's Malcom up to?

Well, he's less cute than he used to be, but he's still getting plenty of work. Start with "My Sexiest Year" and "Parental Guidance Suggested," both of them raunchy comic films that could be designed to announce that Muniz is no longer a sweet-faced sitcom teen. 

He's also become a race car driver, which seems completely improbable. Back in '05 he participated in a "pros and celebrities" driving event sponsored by Toyota, and won it. He enjoyed that enough to look into buying into a team, but they decided to hire him as a driver instead. Now he does the Toyota celebrity event as a pro.

What's next? Well, I'm going to guess he'll become a firefighter and then an astronaut, checking off all four of the most popular childhood dream careers. Then he'll make a movie about a kid magically transported into an adult's body, where the adult goes and fulfills all of his childhood dreams by becoming an actor, a race-car driver, a firefighter, and an astronaut. What? It's possible.

Is China Ready For Its Closeup?

Ready or not, China's going to get a hell of a closeup with the Olympics. And despite all the "One World, One Olympics, One China" signs from the nationalists, Tibet is going to be a huge issue, right up there with Darfur and pollution. Everywhere the Olympic torch goes, protests are sure to follow.

Of course, my only interest in Chinese democracy is whether Axl Rose is going to release "Chinese Democracy" this year. But that's because I'm a shallow, worthless shell of a human being.

Changing My Mind About "Hell's Kitchen" Again

It seems like the beginnings of "Hell's Kitchen" episodes are better than the middles and endings. The first episode had Gordon Ramsay mingle with the chefs in disguise, then mock their "signature dishes." It wasn't just yelling- there was critique and humor. But as soon as the actual challenge began, it was apparent that the teams had been given about half the time necessary to prepare for it, and that Ramsay was hamming up his rage for the cameras.

Last night's episode seems to have the same pattern. First, a clever lesson about waste - waking the contestants early and making them sort through last night's trash in their pajamas, then having them cut enormous halibut into dozens of equal portions without wasting any. Then, the restaurant portion of the evening, featuring everyone being unprepared and Ramsay screaming at them for it. Of course they're unprepared: They had no time to prepare. It's like throwing someone into the ocean and then being furious at them for getting wet.

Maybe I'll just watch the first half of next week's episode, but I probably won't watch any of it.

Breakfast Links

• Disney is already transitioning to the next generation of "High School Musical" stars. They hope. "4" is in the works, and some new characters may be introduced in "3." (Hollywood Reporter)
• "BSG" star Tricia Helfer is getting a show of her own. (Hollywood Reporter)
• I'm glad to see someone commenting on the horror of the Go Phone commercial starring Meatloaf and Tiffany. Although, you know, they have to make money somehow, right? (BuzzSugar)
• "Secret Talents of the Stars" not so good. (TV Guide)
• And finally, thanks to BuzzSugar for introducing me to this hysterically funny "Lost" compilation clip which shows characters asking, "What?" and "What?" and What?!" ad infinitum, much like the oft-baffled viewers of the show...

Tonight's Picks: Wednesday, April 9

American Idol
"Idol Gives Back:" Charity spectacular with Bono, Mariah Carey, Billy Crystal, Miley Cyrus, Chris Daughtry, Celine Dion, Fergie, John Legend, Annie Lennox, Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, and Maroon 5.

Top Chef
Ming Tsai is the guest judge; The short challenge is a taste test and the elimination challenge is catering a charity dinner.

America's Next Top Model
The 10th annual clips-and-unaired-footage episode.

"American Idol" Inspires... Something

Tonight, the final eight contestants on "American Idol" will be singing songs that inspire them. Mercifully, Ryan gets right to the singing, so I can get right to the reviewing and ranking. The short version: Everybody but me loves David Archuleta. And even I think he's kind of adorable.

Michael Johns is up first singing "Dream On." I suppose it's a well-known song, full of big vocals and room to rock out, but does anyone think it's a little sad that he thinks Steven Tyler is inspirational? He does a pretty good job with it, hitting the high notes pretty well. But if this is the week, as Randy says, where singers get a chance to "tell us who you are," and really express what their dreams are, it seems like he's aiming pretty damn low to aspire to front an Aerosmith cover band.

Sort of like in the Ford commercial that follows his performance, which boasts of having the world's most fuel-efficient SUV.

Next up, Syesha Mercado, who misses Ramiele and sings "I Believe" by Fantasia, who won "Idol" back in '04. Now this is the kind of crap song and "Idol" ass-kissing I've been expecting! It's an enormous tub of schmaltz, and she dives right the hell in. She's a great performer, connecting with the audience and looking like she's having a great time up there, and she hits all the notes. I thought her ending was squealy, but the judges think her only flaw is not being as emotionally brilliant as Fantasia.

"BSG" Writers Drop Hints About Cylon Eyes

Comic Mix has begun a recurring Q&A with "Battlestar Galatica" producer Mark Verheiden that gets into details that might even be too obsessive for me. It's a good read for fans though, and the fine folks over at TV Squad picked out an interesting little detail: there seems to be something going on with eyes.

CMix: In Tigh's hallucination, he shoots Adama in the same eye that Tigh lost. Intentional?

MV: Per one of the writers of that episode, Mr. David Weddle:

"I was waiting for someone to pick up on that telling detail. Congratulations. But I am disappointed you have not figured out its significance within the larger mythology of the show. It's all laid out for you. All you have to do is run the episode over again in slow motion, and the deeper truth will be revealed."

Hmmm... Makes me want to run it slow motion!

As the TV Squad people note, when Anders gets zapped by the flying toaster, it's his right eye that responds. Maybe the right eye is the brainwashing plug? It's a mystery, indeed, although I'd say it's even money that Mr. Weddle is just having a little fun at our expense.

Are You Ready For Some "Idol?"

You better be, because there's three frickin' nights of "American Idol" this week, beginning tonight as the hopefuls sing the songs that inspired them - at least, the ones that appear on the producers' list of acceptable songs. I'm guessing this will mean some misty, mom-beloved ballad for David Archuleta, a grunge classic for David Cook and a "Let It Be" encore for Brooke White. But who knows.
"Idol" updates:

• A new poll says that fans expect Archuleta to win but think Cook is the most talented.
• The guest list for tomorrow night's "Idol Gives Back" special has been finalized, and it includes Bono and two Spice Girls. Is this a great country or what?
• More lowdown on "IGB."

And finally, here's an "IGB" preview clip:

Is Tracy Morgan Funnier Than Chris Rock?

Watch this video and tell me what you think.

"Hills" Renewed; Surely The Second Coming Is At Hand

Yuck.

Lunchtime Links, Side of Fries

• "Battlestar Galactica" fans love "Battlestar Galactica," true, but there aren't that many of them. (TV By The Numbers)
• Crappy ratings for "Monk" and "Psych," too, in their move to broadcast. (Hollywood Reporter)
• Talking to Barry Watson of "Samantha Who?" (BuzzSugar)
• Deconstructing the TV Guide cover with "The Office." (Give Me My Remote)
• "Friday Night Lights" deal with DirecTV the new template for series survival? (NY Times)

Musical Interlude Featuring Gunther

At some point, ironic hipsterism just becomes confusing. How seriously does Gunther take himself? Nobody will ever know, but he's managed to get 80's pop icon Samantha Fox to join him in a video called "Touch Me Now." You may also remember samples of his famous "Ding Dong Song" appearing in one episode of "Beauty And The Geek" a year or so ago. So he's definitely a real "artist" and has consistently produced these apparently sincere pop confections for some time now. But does he mean it? Does it matter?

Venezuelan TV: Bimbos, Si! Bart Simpson, No!

And speaking of Esteban De la Sexface, there's this bit of hilarious moral relativism from Venezuela...

Apparently the zipperheads who run the Televen TV station yanked "The Simpsons" from the 11 a.m. timeslot saying the show is inappropriate for children. And what have they replaced it with? "Baywatch Hawaii."

"Idol Gives Back" Regurgitates Important Pop-Culture Updates

Photos from "Idol Gives Back" are all over the interwires and in addition to presenting a list of pretty people who love puppies and rainbows and charity, they remind us of a few pop-culture facts we might have missed somewhere along the way.

For example, in case you weren't aware, Snoop Dogg (left) has become a parody of himself, and Black-Eyed Pea Fergie (right) is proud of her posterior region. I've cut her face out of the picture to make her photo match the size of Snoop's picture and also so you don't have to look at it. It's obviously not her greatest asset. Otherwise she'd point it at the camera instead of the lady-lump.

"Dancing With The Stars" Fakes A Mustache

You have got to be kidding me. Adam Carolla dressed up like Homer Simpson in disguise as Esteban De La Sexface?

This is dancing? No. This is just stupid. Then again, I've always found Adam Carolla irritating, so what the hell do I know?

"Project Runway" Hits The Courtroom

"Project Runway" will be paying a visit to the courtroom, and not for fashion purposes. The show's lead producers, the Weinstein company, wanted Bravo (owned by NBC Universal) to buy a bundle of other - bad -  Weinstein productions, and NBC just wanted "Runway." So Weinstein took their bat and ball and went to Lifetime for the coming season. The problem is that Universal says that's a breach of contract: They've got first dibs on "Project Runway," and Weinstein can't take it elsewhere without their permission.  Nikki Finke says the battle is getting ugly and personal very very fast.

Tonight's Picks: Tuesday, April 8

Biggest Loser
The final four are cut to three. Chef Rocco DiSpirito visits to give some healthy-cooking lessons.

Hell's Kitchen
Gordon Ramsay plays up his rage to whip aspiring chefs into shape. Tonight, the contestants must cut their fish fillets for accurate and consistent portion control. Then one of them gets cut from the show.

American Idol
The top eight singers sing songs they find inspirational. Prediction: Simon Cowell is going to surprise everyone by claiming to like at least one particularly schlocky song.

"Dancing With The Stars" Gets Its Moment In The Intellectual Sun

"DWTS" is featured in next week's New Yorker, which means more or less that it's become enough of a pop-culture phenomenon to merit attention from the sorts of people who only watch reality TV to figure out what "average Americans" are thinking. It's a very intelligent piece of writing, but perhaps too clever for its own good:

"In the end, the show is not really about dancing; it is about toil and suffering. Each routine is typically only a minute and a half long. In other words, on an episode with six couples, only nine minutes are devoted to dancing. The rest of the time is devoted to the Greek tragedy that, at least for the women, supposedly surrounds the dance performances: the rehearsals, the judging, the 'eliminations.'"

Bummer Of The Day: Strike Delays HBO Shows

The writers strike continues to mess with our TV-viewing habits. BuzzSugar reports that HBO shows like "Entourage," "Big Love" and "Flight of the Conchords," which we expected to return this summer, will be pushed to fall or even next January. Ditto for "True Blood," the vamp series from Alan Ball of "Six Feet Under" fame. Consolation prizes include the "Generation Kill" miniseries - and we know how well Iraq movies have been doing at the box office - plus two comedian, one animated and one Australian. Not good enough.

"Sex And The City" Gets Its, Uh, Comeuppance

And from behind, apparently. "Sex And The City" and star Sarah Jessica Parker are the presumbly unhappy models for a new sex doll timed for the movie's May 30 release, as first reported by the New York Post. We'll blur the attached image in case you're reading at work or under the age of 18. But suffice to say that the doll is named Sarah Sessica Porkher and the phrase "And The City" has been rewritten to reflect a fondness for anal gratification. Who doesn't love New York, huh?

See the original here if you must. Presumably there will be a followup tomorrow involving lawyers.

"Venture Brothers" Returns June 1

"The Venture Brothers," the Cartoon Network's grownups-only parody of boy-adventurer cartoons, returns on June 1.

I can't express how excited I am about this. More hijinks! More adventures! More booby traps! More visits with Dr. Morpheus and his incredibly hot teenage daughter whose closet is a portal to hell!