TV with MeeVee

OMFG: Normal teens beat "Gossip" queens

My friend Aaron was the first to note it, and TV Decoder has fleshed out the numbers: Kids are smarter than Hollywood, it turns out. The honorable if not entirely inspiring "Secret Life of the American Teenager" on ABC Family scored 3.6 million viewers last week and is averaging 3.1 million, while CW's intensely hyped yet sleazy "Gossip Girl" averaged only 2.3 million viewers this spring. Could it be that real teens are more interested in characters who look like them than the glamorous, desperate, promiscuous fakes of "Gossip Girl"?

Lunchtime Reads: Oprah, Went, Landry

• I'm not sure why they buried it in the business section on Memorial Day, but the Times yesterday limned Oprah's shrinking ratings.
• From BuddyTV, A few more tidbits about the upcoming fourth season of "Prison Break," including the news that Michael Scofield (actor Wentworth Miller, right) will be getting his tattoos removed. That's going to be a lot of laser time.
• With a 23 percent drop, "Grey's Anatomy" was the biggest loser among TV's top programs in the post-strike viewership decline, says E! Online.
• Women's prison is the place to be for HBO, which has "Six Feet Under" creator Alan Ball developing an American version of the Brit drama "Bad Girls," says the Hollywood Reporter.
• Jesse Plemons - aka Landry of "Friday Night Lights" - had a great time filming an episode of NBC's upcoming horror anthology "Fear Itself." (AP)

David Blaine Breaks Record; World Rolls Collective Eyes

Don't look now, but David Blaine has performed another pointless stunt of human endurance/freakitude. Today on "Oprah," the Blainester held his breath for just over 17 minutes, breaking the world's record and realizing what only he would call a lifelong dream. Will someone please tell me why he won't just go away? Does anyone remember "David Blaine: Street Magic?" That brief moment when David Blaine's cleverness outweighed the massiveness of his ego seems long, long gone now. Now, all that remains of the card-tricking, levitating weirdo is a bloated self-image and a freaky stare.

Funnyordie.com has a whole series of videos that lampoon Blaine with painful accuracy - they're screamingly funny. But be warned, they are only safe for work if your work is okay with people screaming obscenities at the tops of their lungs.

Morning Reading

• The season premiere of "Dirt," cool or not? Cool (BuzzSugar). Not cool (TV Guide).
• NBC? ABC? Will you two dickheads just put your heads together so SOMEBODY can make the last few episodes of "Scrubs?" Please? (Hollywood Reporter)
• "Unhitched" interview with Craig Bierko. But seriously, how long does anyone think this show is gonna last? I bet rashida Jones will be back in Scranton causing trouble between Jim and Pam by September. (TV Addict)
• Online sitcoms. Really short ones. (NY Times)
• And social-networking dramas. (WSJ.com)
• Mixed reviews for Oprah's "Big Give." (TV Decoder)
• Are SAG and AFTRA going to screw up and give us an actors strike after all? (Deadline Hollywood Daily)

Oprah Rules, But So Does Heather

I honestly loathe reading snark by other writers that's so good I envy them for having written it. This often happens with Salon.com TV critic Heather Havrilesky. But some of the prose in her piece about "Oprah's Big Give" is just too good not to share:

Hell, most people would eat a plate of live maggots just for a chance to see Oprah face to face and tell her, as most mortals do when they meet Oprah, that they love her with the blinding heat of a thousand suns.
Yes, this is a reality show, but instead of casting deluded, drunken youngsters who want their 15 minutes of fame, Oprah cast likable, sensitive, caring individuals who honestly hope to change the world. They're also, not surprisingly, the kinds of people who weep openly or scream at the top of their lungs when they find out that it's Oprah on the phone, telling them that they've been chosen. (And by the way, I love the look on Oprah's face when yet another mortal confesses his or her undying love. Yes, yes, you love me, of course, can we get on with this? That's Oprah: Omnipotent, yet so human.)

Damn I wish I'd written that.

Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, And Oprah?

We all know Oprah is capable of extreme generosity, but it was pretty clever of her to bring Zac and Vanessa into the mix for her "Building A Dream House" project. The house in question holds a family with three young kids, all of them enormous "High School Musical" fans, so Oprah got Zac and Vanessa to tape a special video message for the kids and donate their favorite props from the movies to help decorate their house.

The kids are overwhelmed with joy, and it's so sweet I almost want to go kick a puppy just to balance things out. Or maybe I'll just read about Paris Hilton fighting with Lindsay Lohan. Whatever.

Oprah, The Cable Channel?

Thanks for enjoying our Oprah news, and now stay tuned for the Oprah sports and weather, followed by "Access Oprah," "Oprah Tonight" and our prime-time shows, including "Law & Order: Do What Oprah Says," "Survivor: Oprah Is One," and "24: That's How Many Hours A Day Oprah Gets Richer."

That's right. Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Productions and Discovery Communications announced this week the planned 2009 launch of OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. Ironically, the new channel will gain distribution by croaking the Discovery Health Network, currently ignored in 68 million homes. The new channel adds to an empire that already includes the legendary syndicated TV show, O Magazine, a channel on XM satellite radio, TV movies on ABC, and on and on. She was also a player in the Oxygen network before NBC bought it, but apparently it had too many letters besides O. Oprah regulars like Dr. Phil and dog training guru Cesar Milian could get shows on OWN, depending on their obligations elsewhere. But reportedly it will be 2011 before Oprah can move her own show to the network, if she even wants to.

(Pictured: Oprah with Discovery President David Zaslav.)
 

Morning Reads

I'm not sure if this is good news or bad news, but Jim Belushi is moving out from in front of the camera. He's going to direct. ... Doug Elfman has a funny Game Dork column in the Chicago Sun-Times outlining the video game habits of stars like Zac Efron he met on the press tour. Wish I'd thought of that. ... TV Guide reports "24" star Reiko Aylesworth - aka the late Michelle Dessler - is joining "ER" this season. ... Our pal the TV Addict has pix of a certain second-generation Hispanic music star's upcoming appearance on "How I Met Your Mother." ... TV Squad's recapper is having a complicated relationship with this week's "Rescue Me," which seems about right, actually. ... Dave, Oprah. Oprah, Dave.

O! O! O! Oprah Opening Oprahstore

As Step #862 in her O Masterplan for World Domination, Oprah Winfrey is opening a retail store in a renovated space across the street from her Harpo Studios complex on Chicago's West Side. Local media was buzzing Wednesday with the news, and one local reporter will even take you on a video tour of the as-yet-bare 4,500-square-foot location. It gives us a lot to think about.