TV with MeeVee

Momma's Boy This, NBC

In possibly the least-appealing programming announcement of the week - I know it's early, but still - NBC said Monday that Ryan Seacrest will produce a reality-game-dating show called "Momma's Boy" to premiere after the Summer Olympics. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? The show from Seacrest and partner Andrew Glassman will ask "possessive mothers" to choose the perfect bride for their sons. Ick, uck, ptoo! But wait, it gets worse. Check this hideous synopsis: Conflict results when numerous mothers and their eligible bachelor sons are housed together with several  "brides-to-be." As the tension mounts, viewers will watch the controlling mothers search for their son's perfect mate. Some of the possible brides are "nice girls" -- while others might not be as appealing to the mothers. As expected, rivalries are formed, drama mounts and emotion builds as crucial choices must be made.

It's like "Big Brother" but with Estelle Costanza and Marie Barone thrown into the mix. I don't see how even any of the "nice girls" (on a reality show? come on) are going to be good enough for the sons. And I can't imagine who's going to watch this, except for overbearing moms and the sons they guilt into watching with them. Seacrest's company, meanwhile, produces such other gems as "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" and the forthcoming "Denise Richards: It's Complicated."

Sez Ryan: "Anytime I make a decision either personally or professionally, I have to ask myself...what would my mother say? Like it or not, I am a true Momma's Boy. She is the most important woman in my life and she is never short of opinions. This series throws Mom right in the middle of all the drama. It's loud, it's wild and it's real. RSP and NBC have developed a strong partnership that allows the opportunity to both promote and create original content across my already existing media platforms." It's a rare son who can get mom and "already existing media platforms" in one quote. You go, bro.

CBS Summer On All Fours

Well, at least I resisted making a doggy style joke, right? Oh, wait ... Anyhow, I have already picked my favorite new show of the summer. "The Greatest American Dog" debuts July 10 on CBS, and my only regret is that Buffy (left) and I were not invited to participate in this reality competition. Pets and their humans will live together while competing in feats of skill that will test their ability to train and work together. Every kind of pooch, from pampered show dogs to family mutts, will compete. And the prize is, brace yourself, $250,000. Now do you see why I wanted in? Of course, one could argue that a TV reality show about dogs featuring a quarter-million dollar prize is one more example of American decadence that shames us in the eyes of the world. But I'm too busy trying to get Buffy ready for the second season to think about it.

The host, by the way, is Jarod Miller, zoologist and frequent talk show guest whose claims to fame include being Rachael Ray's official "Wildlife Buddy." Poor bastard. The official CBS press release is after the jump.

TV Imitates TV Imitating TV: A Real "MILF Island?"

At this point, there is basically no parody of reality television so broad that we can trust that someone won't think it's a genuinely good idea. Just a few weeks after the brilliant "30 Rock" had a gag show-within-the-show called "MILF Island," TV Land has announced its plan to create well, almost exactly that. The as yet unnamed project will center around a bunch of young men who will try to win the heart of a "sexy and accomplished mature woman." Since there's no mention of her children, I suppose technically she's a cougar and not a MILF, which is way classier. I have no doubt that TV Land will give this topic the sensitive, tasteful treatment that it deserves.

Tim Gunn Returns To Guide Us

"Tim Gunn's Guide To Style" has been renewed despite lackluster reviews and lackluster ratings. But it will be different this time. For one thing, according to Reality Blurred, it won't include Veronica Webb, who's moving over to the BBC to do a different show. Also, everyone involved is aware of the issues the show had, and aims to fix them. Most notably, all the "fakeness" that comes from trying to plan to be spontaneous, which at one point led Tim to a "diva moment."

Jay McCarroll's 11 Minutes Continue

I caught the Boston Independent Film Festival's screening of "Jay McCarroll: Eleven Minutes" last night - introduced onstage by our dear friend Ducky and Jay McCarroll himself -  and it was, to be honest, totally awesome. It was what I wish reality TV could be, and isn't. It's got all the background and depth and character you miss on a TV show, and none of the trumped-up drama and tendentious music.

"Eleven Minutes" is a full-length documentary about Jay, produced by the same guys who did "Project Jay" for Bravo, following the process of creating a fashion show from sketch to completion, including visits to jewelers, shoemakers, hair stylists, publicists, sewing workshops, and sales meetings.

The film begins with the question everybody seems to want to ask: Why isn't Jay a bigger star?  Where can I buy Jay McCarroll clothes? Why aren't they being sold in stores? It's been four years since he won "Project Runway," so why isn't he on a par with Marc Jacobs yet?

The documentary answers those questions, and more. It sees him through financial difficulties, a humane society sponsorship, angry PR flaks, footwear mishaps, sleepless nights, product manufacturing disasters in China, and finally, the glorious eleven-minute fashion show he's worked so hard to produce. That leads to a small order from Urban Outfitters... which gets canceled after more manufacturing troubles in China.

Months of his life and tens of thousands of dollars led up to those eleven minutes, and they didn't bring in any firm orders. Getting into department stores takes a lot more time and luck than you'd think from watching "Project Runway." But Jay's not walking away in defeat, either.

In addition to explaining Jay's lack of instant riches, "Eleven Minutes" also illustrates how Jay really is very successful for a young designer.  Of all the designers from the show, Jay has had the greatest boost to his career, and is the only one who's had a show at Bryant Park. And you can buy his designs. He's got his own shop at jaymccarroll.com and will have a larger line available from QVC this summer.

And he's still working and still designing, which in this business is quite an achievement - plenty of people give up after one season with no sales. We can expect to see great things from Jay McCarroll in the future... Just not instantly.

"Farmer Wants A Wife" Needs More Than Girls

"Farmer Wants A Wife" is in dire need of more than just some girls. The theme song alone makes me want to run from the room screaming - it's like one of those ad jingles from the 80s when Madison Avenue figured rap was instant cool, but got it all wrong.

And yet, I'm probably going to end up watching it, because prissy girls being grossed out by animals is sure-fire comedy every damn time.

Heidi Fleiss On "Celebrity Rhab 2"

Dr. Drew won't comment, and we don't have any other names on the slate, but Heidi Fleiss (left) says she's already signed on for the sequel to "Celebrity Rehab." Her problem? Meth to stay up and Vicodin to sleep. It should be exciting to watch her kick that habit.

More importantly, she's got a sharp tongue, which should keep things lively in group therapy sessions. For example, she recently told Radar she's in awe of Rush Limbaugh's ability to toss back the oxys and keep working. Oh, snap!

Of course Mr. Tough On Crime says he's clean, but I think he'd be great on the show. I mean, what sober man would call for violent race riots in Denver during the Democratic National Convention, and then deny doing it the very next day?

Is "American Idol" Too Tame For You?

If "American Idol" is too tame for your tastes, you might consider tuning in to MTV's "A Shot At Love II," which debuts tonight Like the first edition, it stars ambisexual Tila Tequila, her ambivalent charms, a bevy of chicks and dudes, and also a whole bunch of liquor. Idiocy and hijinks ensue.

Bostonist will be rooting for Michelle, hometown hero and former boxer. She's managed to avoid the cauliflower ear, but not the unfortunate fashion choices, of her pugilistic upbringing, and I just don't think she's as cute as last year's fan favorite, Dani.

Deadliest Reality TV Scandals

The boat flooded in September, but the roughest seas were from October, and "Deadliest Catch" post-production editors spliced them together to make it look like they'd happened at the same time. Scandal! Sort of. Those crab-fishermen are still out there, there are still waves, and there is still flooding. Only the order and dramatization are in question. Still, people seem outraged that a bastion of honesty in entertainment would have used post-production editing tricks  to punch up the drama, instead of relying on the more conventional "somber narrator and tendentious music" strategies that at least are obvious.

Nobody, however, seems to be surprised that the Pentagon paid analysts to punch up the drama before and during the most recent US invasion in Iraq, and to soften criticisms of American human-rights violations. Those analysts, of course, didn't disclose their conflicts of interest, and even if they had, mere disclosure doesn't stop an influence from being malign. It's totally fine, though, because we know that TV news is entirely made up.

Sean Penn somberly narrates the following explanation of the military PR offensive that lead up to the military shooting offensive.

Jackie Warner: Hot, But Still Unwatchable

I guess somebody finds "Work Out" interesting, and I can see the appeal, as long as the volume is off and the camera is just lingering on Jackie Warner. Everybody who sees her pretty much wants her to do crunches on their face. She's that hot. I won't deny it.

But I lose interest when they she talking, or when her trainer assistants start bickering or doing stupid crap.

Apparently, though, all of repressed suburban married female America thinks Jackie's the best thing since getting drunk and kissing another girl that one time Freshman year when the world was your oyster, before you had to pick a major, before that handsome man became your beer-bellied compromise who isn't romantic but can be relied upon to at least keep gas in the tank and the lawn mowed and show up at the little league games half the time.

Welcome to the club of what might have been, ladies.

"Make Me A Supermodel" Ends In Victory

"Make Me A Supermodel" crowned the right person winner: Holly, the girl from a very small town in southwestern Virginia. Yes, Ben was adorable, and Perry was hot, and Ronnie was cuter than pie. But Holly was a winner.

Besides, Perry is an idiot. When your girlfriend cheats on you with Britney Spears' boyfriend, you do not say "everything happens for a reason." You say "goodbye" or "I forgive you." You do not assume that Britney Spears' boyfriend's wandering hands are a message from God.

My feelings about Holly deserving to win were confirmed when we got to see the boys grouse backstage. They had no idea how strong a model she was.

If you can't get enough modeling, check out Bravo's marathon of the UK version of "Supermodel" all day today.

"The Biggest Loser" Complainers

TV Squad says they're tired of people whining and crying on "The Biggest Loser." Please! The crying is the best part! It's half the reason I watch any reality-TV program (the other half is the totally absurd fighting).

"Deadliest Catch" Gets Ready For Season 4

Discovery's "The Deadliest Catch" heads out to sea for a fourth season of stormy crab-fishing on April 15. It looks awesome and dashing and all, but what I want to know is where I can get one of those snappy orange-and-yellow rain outfits. Do they come in eco-friendly low-impact editions like the stuff at the HBO store?

Spoiler Warning: My Predictions For This Week's Shows

I don't have insider confirmation about the following stories, but I'm pretty confident in my powers of prediction and guesstimation. Beware my spoilers! They have more spoilage than day-old meat in the back of a Japanese dekotora (at left)!

On Tuesday, "American Idol" contestants will be singing Dolly Parton songs. Despite country being her natural genre, horsey girl Kristy Lee Cook will screw up badly.

The other week, Gordon Ramsay told us that he doesn't enjoy swearing and that he can stop at any time. He'll prove it tomorrow night on the season premiere of "Hell's Kitchen," which will feature no rage or anger at all. He's turned over a completely new leaf and will gently correct any mistakes he sees in the kitchens of his new proteges.

On "Top Model" this week, the girls do go-sees - that is, client visits. At least one of them is going to get horribly lost, show up late, and blame a totally innocent cab driver for her poor planning.

I'm not naming names, but the winner of "Make Me A Supermodel" on Thursday is irritating and self-centered.

"Lost:" Some crazy shit is going to happen, man. Crazy.

"Make Me A Supermodel" Reunion Special: Dullsville

I was going to liveblog the "Make Me A Supermodel" reunion special last night but absolutely nothing interesting happened.

I guess there were a few moments. We had confirmation the entire viewing audience is obsessed with the Ronnie/Ben bromance thing. Yes, we knew that, but still, funny to see it confirmed by all the fanmail. And of course Casey had to have a reunion with the snake he was so afraid of. Nothing like a terrified model holding an enormous python.

It's also amusing to hear that the Cory Bautista quit reading blogs about "Make Me A Supermodel" because he was tired of people calling him fat. If you don't like people calling you fat, maybe you should pick a job which doesn't entail judging people's bodies.

But otherwise, the reunion special was pretty much a bust. Tune in next week for the finale.

Workout Gets A Third Season? Why?

I watched two or three episodes of hotties-and-idiocy reality show "Work Out" when it came on air a couple years back, and grew bored with it, and discarded it. Yes, there are hotties, but I can see those anywhere on TV. I realized tonight that they've given it a third season, set to debut on April 15.

If you love people with no body fat and huge amounts of baggage, this is totally your chance to get on the bandwagon. If you think the show was terrible the first time around and unlikely to improve in a third season, you agree with me.

Gordon Ramsay Talks "Hell's Kitchen" And "Kitchen Nightmares"

Gordon Ramsay has a reputation for verbal beat-downs. Where Rachael Ray says "yummo" and Emeril says "bam!" Ramsay is known for saying things like "You little bastard, what the fuck were you thinking? This tastes like gnat's piss. It's fucking rancid. If you shut the fuck up for thirty seconds you might fucking learn something." 

Of course, if you've ever worked in restaurants, that kind of language isn't much of a surprise. In more than a few pro kitchens, vicious profanity is as common as salt and pepper.

Out of the kitchen, though, Ramsay's a really nice guy. His anger at poor cooking seems to stem from some sort of deep identification with food, and a belief that it deserves to be cooked perfectly every time. Culinary mistakes aren't just mistakes to him: They're personal insults. Overcooking shrimp or pairing apricots with mashed potatoes isn't just unfortunate to him. It's like throwing rocks at his mother. Dirty rocks. Of course he's going to get angry.

And he takes his show as seriously as he takes his other culinary endeavors: The winner of "Hell's Kitchen" this season will be given an executive chef position at one of Ramsay's restaurants.

Unfortunately, I didn't know any of that when I joined the conference call for the new season of "Hell's Kitchen," which begins on April 1. I just knew he was the foul-mouthed chef.

"Keeping Up With The Kardashians" Season Two

Just what you've been waiting and hoping and wishing for: A new season of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians!" What do you mean you wanted something worth watching? This is worth watching. It's the tale of a bunch of spoiled, good-looking people with too much money and not enough brains bickering and being pretty. Isn't that what everyone wants?

Well, in my case, I spent nearly twenty minutes online looking for a parody video starring Cardassians rather than Kardashians, and didn't find one. Come on, fandom! I need your parody videos! I can't possibly make them myself - I'm no good with makeup.

MTV: Every Week, A New Low

Every time I say "this is the sleaziest reality show I've ever heard of," a new one comes along. Remember when "Cops" was considered edgy and boundary pushing? How about "Temptation Island?" Lame by today's standards. MTV and VH1 are the kings of this race to the bottom, and now that Tila Tequila's dating show is on hiatus we've got "The X Effect." The idea is that it finds a couple that's broken up and moved on, then reunites them while their current partners spy on them. It's the televised equivalent of tearing out a person's bile duct and feeding it to them. MTV is running a marathon of the show, now in its second season, this weekend. Check your schedules for details.

"ANTM" Vs. "Make Me A Supermodel:" Who's Got The Better Theme Song?

Tyra's "Wanna Be On Top" is the theme for "ANTM," while "Make Me A Supermodel" gets an electro-synth cover of Queen's hit "I Want It All." Which do you like better? And are you disappointed or relieved that Janet Jackson's "Feedback," with its chorus of  "Do you like my style? (Sexy sexy) hasn't yet become a reality show theme song?

First, here's the "ANTM" song:

And here's the "Supermodel" song:

Four Years, Twelve Girls, Big Stories

WeTV has a new show coming out called "High School Confidential," which follows four girls through high school. There's a short preview here, but you can also watch a few clips, including one about a girl who gets a brain tumor, and how she feels about that (bad, I guess). There's also a short interview with the director about what drove her to create the documentary, and why it's worth watching for anyone who is or has a teenager.

Slate has a slightly negative opinion, but says it's not the worst thing on TV. No, you have to sink a lot lower for that: I mean, compared to "Paradise Hotel 2" and "Girlicious" it's brilliant.

"Make Me A Supermodel:" Ben Can Do No Wrong

Last night on "Make Me A Supermodel," we got the usual pattern from Ben, and a nasty surprise for Perry.

It feels like Ben has been in the bottom three more times than I can count, but the website says it's four. The only other person put up for the vote that many times was Katy, and she's off the show. Ben keeps screwing up and the viewers keep saving him, either because they love the bromance between him and Ronnie, or because they just think he's too adorable to send back to his job in a prison. Last week, he was up for the vote, and he was saved. This week, he's up for the vote again. Who wants to bet it's someone else who goes home?

Meanwhile, Perry's girlfriend has been cheating on him. How does he find out? Well, she's been cheating on him with Britney Spears' cheating boyfriend, and so she's all over the tabloids, and she has to call and confess pre-emptively. Dumbass.

Question for the readers: How is "Make Me A Supermodel" standing up to "ANTM?"

Fox Reality A Breeding Ground For Despair

We know that reality TV shows picks emotionally unstable people to create more tension and drama. We know that they put these unstable people into unhappy situations for our entertainment. Just look at "Moment Of Truth," which got top ratings when a woman confessed to infidelity on air.

And yet, it's still surprising when Nathan Clutter (right) gets kicked off "Paradise Hotel 2" and jumps off a cell tower shortly thereafter.

Of course, it's entirely possible the poor guy would have done this without the intervention of television, but it's very hard not to point a shaky finger of blame at Fox, reality TV in general, and ultimately at ourselves as viewers.

What gets me is that Nathan died back in October, shortly after filming wrapped. For the past five months, Fox Reality has been prepping the show, and now it's going to air, with a short note on his bio (click around for it, the site's all Flash and you can't link to anything specific) about how sad it is that he "passed away."

I don't know if that's cold, or sensible, or a noble tribute to a young man who wanted fame and hot chicks, but apparently his family was involved in the decision to keep all his scenes intact, so I guess it's OK.  Still, I don't know how anyone involved in the show - producers, contestants, and viewers - can help but feel somehow complicit in his death.

"Deadliest Catch" Video Game?

I found out from, of all places, the Penny Arcade video-game comic, that there is now a browser-based game centered on the Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch" TV show. Yes, a crab-fishing game.

Why not? There's risk and planning. It's as dangerous and fascinating as, say, Oregon Trail, and that's a franchise that's survived more than thirty years to become a t-shirt and a Facebook application. So, sure. A crab-fishing video game.

"Beauty And The Geek" Makeunders

On the season premiere of the CW's "Beauty And The Geek" (March 11, kids, set your TiVos), the beauties and the geeks are assigned to go to a bar and collect phone numbers from people. The beauties assume they've got the challenge in the bag until they find out they get makeovers beforehand. Makeunders, really, designed to make them look worse than the geeks.

Yes, it's funny, but it also teaches them an important lesson about how they've been able to rely on their looks for a long time, and how to feel a little more sympathy for the geeks. But more importantly, it's hilarious. It might also win them a Creative Emmy for makeup, because I have no idea how they managed to add twenty pounds to this woman with just some fake acne and an ugly sweater. Maybe it's just buttoning the shirt up to the neck, de-emphasizing the chin? I don't know. However they did it, very clever.

"Make Me A Supermodel" Goes To The Mountains

As I predicted last week, Jacki got the boot this week. That leaves just two women, Holly and Shannon, still in the running. I'm not surprised that Shannon is still there, but Holly (left) was someone I hadn't expected. From her early, uncomfortable shoots and embarrassment about S-E-X, she's grown into a very confident model. Ben, (with holly) meanwhile, is still adorable and not very good at what he does. He keeps getting dumped into the bottom 3, and he keeps getting saved because he's fantastic television.

I was sort of surprised to see him get so worked up and start trash-talking during the workout competition, though. I guess he's used to that kind of trash talk during physical competitions back home, but it sure doesn't fly with his friends up North. Once they're all back in the city, Ronnie had a hear-to-heart with Ben about his words, and Ben apologized.

Huh? Honesty and explanations? Apologies? SINCERE apologies?  This is totally not the way reality TV is supposed to work! I wanted them to get into a huge fight! But Ronnie acted all understanding and Ben realized the error of his ways. Way to act like decent human beings and ruin the fun for the rest of us. Jerks.

For further spoilers & commentary, read Ducky's liveblog.

"My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad"

To be honest, my dad has more dignity than any of fathers on "My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad." And what about the ones who lose? Are they proven to suck? Most importantly, do you really want to see your father in a spandex singlet, diving into a bowl of slime? Well, if you're ten, maybe that would be pretty hilarious. I don't know.

I do know that no kid of mine would goad me into this kind of desperate clawing for their approval. I hope. OH GOD SON I LOVE YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I KNOW I IGNORED YOU FOR THE FIRST TEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE BUT PLEASE LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU WITH ONE TELEVISED GESTURE!

The Next Reality Show: Sea Cowboys

This Wired article, called "Sea Cowboys" is about ocean salvage experts. Their job is to board damaged ships, keep them afloat, and save the cargo. Many of the people who do this work die, but the others make a lot of money. I think that makes it a great partner to "Ice Road Truckers" on the Discovery Channel.

Or maybe an action-packed summer blockbuster sort of like "Ocean's 11" meets "Armageddon" at sea.

Actually it could be both. And you can call them both "Sea Cowboys." In the fictional one, hard-as-nails wreck diver Colin Trepte (left) would be played by Daniel Craig. It could totally work.

Now, tell me this: Why am I not a prize-winning screenwriter or reality-TV producer?

"Make Me A Supermodel" Has Three More Up For Vote

"Make Me A Supermodel" is holding up against the latest cycle of "Top Model," and delivering some pretty intense photoshoots. This week, the models posed in a tank with a snake, and walked the runway with creatures that were at least a little more cuddly.

Fan favorite and perpetual under-performer Tennessee prison guard Ben (left) is in the bottom three again this week, along with Perry (center) and Jacki (right).  You can vote for your favorite at Bravo's website. My prediction: Jacki is screwed. Perry is good but slipped this week, everybody loves Ben because he's adorable on the show, and Jacki is kind of irritating. No way she can escape that trap.

"Girlicious:" Let Us Never Speak Of This Again

When I told friends I had gotten a screener of "The Pussycat Dolls Present Girlicious" they asked when I got into the porno business. I said, no, no, it's not porn. It's... well... it's about singing and dancing. At least, they say it is. Sure, a stripper pole is involved, but... well, the press release says "they look like Bratz Dolls." So I guess it's basically porn, except on basic cable. Also, the "girls" are mostly in their twenties. But hey, they "dance to the beat of their own funky drummer," so it's all good, right?

You know who needs to go on that show? Temptress Brown, that high-school football linebacker from Philly. She'd make a good Girlicious singer.

Who Wants To Be On TV With TYRA BANKS?

If you love fashion and people paying attention to you, this is your chance! The CW has a new reality show in development, and they're casting this weekend. Now, be careful: The show doesn't have a title, and I have no idea what the casting process involves. You may be tricked and humiliated on national television. But hey: You could be on TV!

Who Got Axed On "Make Me A Supermodel?"

OK, it's no surprise that Katy Caswell (left) got sent home from "Make Me A Supermodel" this week. She was the obvious weak link, although I think Frankie (day job: valet parker) was totally the most annoying person and I dislike him far more. I really wish he'd gone home, because his attitude enrages me... but he's still a decent model.

Tonight's challenge involved some acting, and when asked to represent anger, the models really did manage to air out all their fury on each other. Jacki in particular really takes her anger out on Perry. Ronnie continues to have trouble because he's too old-fashioned - he looks very traditionally cute, but he's not captivating. More problematic, though, was Stephanie, who was totally unable to act angry. She claimed she wasn't much for yelling, but that just betrays a failure to comprehend the challenge of acting and modeling.

The best part, though, was the Valentines' day videos: Everybody got a video message of love from home, from their friends and families and boyfriends and girlfriends. Except Perry, who got a phone call from his girlfriend, who is angry at him about some kind of New Year's Eve transgression. They have an upsetting argument on the phone which I hope was edited, because they both come off as horrible people.

Oh, and then there's a long debate about the nature of love and respect. Please, if I wanted to learn about love, I would not do it by watching "Make Me A Supermodel."

After the jump, the winner and the bottom three:

"Solitary" Episode 6

Let's jump forward to the one where the evil computer tortures our friends with chili peppers. I guess really the instrument of torture is the contestants' own greed and stubbornness, but the technique this week involves chilies. Oh Val, you make me look like a nice guy.

This Spring's Reality Bonanza

5ives is a blog which consists of short lists of five things. Usually funny things, such as the following five reality TV shows which don't actually exist:

1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
2. Project Segway
3. Would You Eat This for Money?
4. America’s Next Top Preclear
5. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?

See also: Another such list.

"Solitary" Season 1, Episode 4

On the fourth episode, the remaining six contestants on "Solitary," having tried sleep deprivation, discomfort, and starvation, are in the midst of gorging themselves on course after unappetizing course. One person has already puked and quit, but the rest of them don't know it, and soldier on.

Once the food challenge is over, things will get more sinister still, as Val's robot-on-helium voice tries brainwashing them. Risking health and sanity, even after it's no longer necessary, to avoid being evicted and losing that chance at a cash prize of just fifty grand. That's fifty grand before taxes. I guess it's still a lot of money, but I don't know if I'd humiliate and torture myself for just a chance at that kind of dough.

How Far Would You Go For Fifty Grand?

As you might guess from the name, the Fox Reality Channel is a bastion of low-budget, ultra-exploitative entertainment. "Solitary" is perhaps the most bizarre: Seven people are locked alone in tiny cells and given a set of bizarre challenges, such as running around their tiny cells for hours, carrying heavy backpacks. The tasks are set by a disembodied voice named Val.

A disembodied, non-human, irritating voice.

The set is minimal, the suffering maximal, and the grand prize is only fifty thousand dollars. Somehow, it wasn't a big success: The show aired for a single season (thanks to commenters for correcting me there) to adequate but not-stellar ratings for two seasons starting in 2006. Complete episodes from season 1 are now available on Hulu -- the first one is embedded here. If I get Since we've gotten positive comments, I'll post more over the next few days.

"Biggest Loser" Hangs At Felt

Felt, downtown Boston's swankiest pool hall (excuse me, hottest club with billiards ) is also trying to attract a different demographic: Losers. Big losers. The biggest, in fact. That is, open casting for "The Biggest Loser" season six begins on February 16 in Boston and a half-dozen other cities. (Casting runs through March in various locations; see NBC.com/casting for details.)

As with this season, they're recruiting couples to lose weight together. As with past seasons, it's going to work out pretty well for at least some of the contestants, who stand to win large sums of money and lose up to half their body weight in an environment with plenty of medical supervision. Some of them even manage to keep the weight off. Others will give up, or gain the weight right back, because life is not a game show. But hey, worth a shot, right?

"Make Me A Supermodel:" Ben Finally Comes Through

How hot was Tennessee prison guard Ben on "Make Me A Supermodel" last night? He barely made it onto the show, he was in the bottom three more than once, but audiences loved him and the judges saw his potential, and he's finally living up to it!

If you missed it, or want some snark and bitching, go to Ducky's liveblog at AfterElton, and scroll up (yes, up) to read his comments in fifteen-minute increments. He's pretty sure he knows who's going home next week, and let me tell you, it's not Ben!

"Make Me A Supermodel" Continues Recruiting "Torchwood" Fans

Tonight on "Make Me A Supermodel," the models go to Fashion Week and try to network and impress designers and so forth. But will they get up to any homoerotic hijinks of the "Torchwood" variety? Well, probably, yeah. Here's the challenge (from two weeks ago) that turned the heat up to a boil and got the show a sort of notoriety among ... well, let's just say fans of John Barrowman.

Has Dr. Drew Crossed The Line?

Dr. Drew - an actual MD and still holding his medical license, not merely a pundit like Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura - has come in for a lot of criticism over his role on "Celebrity Rehab." It's exploitative, they say, and damaging to the patients as well as to the audience.

Dr. Drew Pinsky, though, says he's doing it to turn entertainment into something educational. Watching Jeff Conaway have seizures, watching Jessica Sierra throw up, watching Seth Binzer smoke crack, reminds us of the perils of drug abuse. He says he did the show because he wanted there to be a decent portrayal of rehab on the air, and he picked celebrities because they're used to being on camera, unlike the regular folks on shows like "Intervention."

My take: Is it exploitative? Sure it is. But it exploits celebrity misery for a relatively good reason: To teach us about addiction and recovery. It's not a perfect view of what recovery is like, but it's better than any other on TV.

"Make Me A Supermodel" Gets Totally Naked This Time

Last time on "Make Me A Supermodel," Dominic got the axe (and made excuses about it), the models had to do a sexy underwear photoshoot, and Bravo editing played up the fact that Ronnie has an enormous crush on Ben so the show would appeal to "Torchwood" fans.

Last week's losers were Holly, Jay and Aryn, and viewers voted to save Jay and Holly. Aryn is axed. Good, now there's no homonym competition for me!

(While we're at it, have you considered using Alltell for your wireless communications needs? Because Alltell is totally the cellular choice of aspiring supermodels. I swear.)

Holly, at left, was particularly bad in the underpants challenge because she's uncomfortable with sexuality. She's saving it for marriage, you see. I've got nothing against saving it for marriage, but has she considered that maybe modeling might not be the best career for someone who's kind of icked out by acting sexy?

Well, Holly was in for another huge challenge this week: Nude modeling for art students. It's not sexy modeling, but that kind of exposure is enough to intimidate anyone.

I should know: I actually worked as a nude model in college, because they paid 50% more than other jobs on campus, and because I thought it would be a lot like sitting around naked in my dorm room, which is what I would have been doing anyway. For about thirty seconds, I was terrified I'd embarrass myself, but then my leg fell asleep and the discomfort was almost a relief. Everything went fine until the end of the session, when I stood up and realized that my legs had gone completely numb. I collapsed in agony, rolling around on the studio floor, covering myself with clay dust and paint chips, totally buck naked, while two dozen freshman art students giggled. I think they paid me fifteen dollars. I never went back.

Holly was terrified of the challenge, and said she had never let any boy see her naked ever. Everyone else was also nervous, but Holly was the one with the most interesting fear. I'm impressed with the way she handled it, though. For more details: Dan from Ducky Does Television has a full liveblog/recap at AfterElton, and of course BravoTV has plenty of stills from the episode.

"The Bachelor" And "The Bachelorette" Start Casting Again

Didn't get enough of "The Bachelor" last season? Desperate for attention and/or a mate? Hey, it's casting call time for ABC's "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette." The lady in the second show has been chosen already, and TV Guide says it's DeAnna Pappas, the winning contender in last season's "The Bachelor," which had the stunning twist of Bachelor Brad Womack going home single, uninterested in any of the women on offer.

Yeah, that does kind of mean that she can't even snag the bartender. I don't know what's wrong with her, and I'm not sure if I want to find out.  But hey, she's single and looking for love!

Highbrow Criticism Of "Breaking Bad" And "Celebrity Rehab"

Even if you don't watch "Breaking Bad" (you should) or "Celebrity Rehab" (debatable), James Wolcott's commentary on the two shows, over at the Vanity Fair blog, is highly entertaining. It hadn't occurred to me to compare Dr. Drew to Tim Gunn, but it's so obvious when he points it out that I wanted to kick myself for missing it.

"Baby Borrowers" Comes To US

My immediate reaction to "The Baby Borrowers" premise (teens get a trial run at parenting) was somewhere between anger and despondency. Who the hell would lend their kids to a reality TV show? How sleazy could you possibly get? But the BBC3 production "Baby Borrowers," with a US version coming soon to NBC, turns out to be a long way from sleazy.

First off, the implementation is stellar: With child-care experts on hand and parents just down the street in case of emergency, the risks are far lower than parents run with a regular sitter. And there's learning involved. Teenagers, for the most part, have got no idea what it's like to care for a child. Even responsible, well-prepared adult parents will tell you that it's impossible to understand what it's like without doing it.

This is more than just a little babysitting: For three days each, young couples are charged with caring for infants, toddlers, grade-schoolers, teens, and at last frail elders. In the process, they test their relationships, their sense of self, their patience, their stamina, and their aversion to feces.

Here's an episode of the UK version. Next week, I'll have details on the US version, plus a chat with two of the teens and one of the mothers who lent her child for the program.

Miss America: The Original Reality Show

For years, I've been hearing that pageants are dying out, that people don't care about that sort of competition any more, that "Miss America" is totally irrelevant. TLC, however, thinks they have a better idea: Position the pageant as the original reality show.

In preparation for this weekend's pageant, TLC put together a four-part series called "Miss America: Reality Check," in which the contestants (yawn) all moved into a house together and went through some challenges. Tonight's the final episode of that; If you missed it, they're re-airing it Saturday afternoon, and TVGasm has recaps if you'd prefer those.

Then, of course, the big show:  "Miss America Live" on Saturday night. Swimsuits. Evening gowns. Speeches about world peace. Denials that it's all about the swimsuits. You know the drill.

Denise Richards Gets To Pimp Out The Kids

This just in from Hot Momma Gossip: Denise Richards has been granted a favorable ruling that allows her to put her kids on a reality TV show over the objections of their father, her ex-husband Charlie Sheen. The children are two and three years old, so with any luck won't remember the humiliation and shame their mother is about to put them through.

Still, it's probably going to require years of therapy. For me. I mean, I'm probably going to have to watch this disaster, and what the hell kind of emotional scars am I going to carry away from this? The camera crew is going to be there when the kids wet their pants during mommy's auditions, I just know it.