TV with MeeVee

I came to play the game! I'm here to win!

The nonsense spewed by reality show contestants reached toxic levels years ago. Thank goodness it doesn't contribute to global warming - it doesn't, right? Right? The favorite excuse by these nitwits when they get caught lying and backstabbing is, "I'm not here to make friends." Well, mission accomplished. Now someone with way too much time on their hands has compiled a video of nitwit whining and weaseling...

(Tip o' the mouse to our friends over at Tifaux for the link.)

"Dancing With The 'Star Wars' Stars." OMFG.

This theme-park video from a "Star Wars Weekend" at Disney's Hollywood Studios is, well, special. Anyone who would like to take a crack at the semiotics of a theme park stage show imitating a TV reality show while using characters from the "Star Wars" movies dancing to music from the '80s ("Footloose," "Thriller") is encouraged to do so in the comments. I would really like this explained to me so maybe I can stop seeing it every time I close my eyes. Whimper.

Tip of the crack pipe to TV By The Numbers for putting this horror in my head.

Seth Rogen Farts Pure Gold

OK, exaggeration. But the dude is on fire both in front of and behind the camera, thanks partly to the fact that he's really funny ("Knocked Up," "Superbad") and partly to the fact that Judd Apatow thinks so too. The latest news from the Seth Rogen front is that he's scored a feature deal for "Jay And Seth Versus The Apocalypse," to co-star him and Jay Baruchel, the geek hero of Apatow's late, lamented "Undeclared" series.

Rogen's writing partner, Evan Goldberg, and another pal, Jason Stone, cooked up the story, which finds the two actors as stoners surviving and end-of-the-world event a la "The Happening" or "28 Days" later, only to find they're driving each other nuts. The gang cooked up a mock trailer on YouTube that sold Mandate Pictures on the idea.

Here it is:

The Most Unusual And Exciting Horror Motorcycle Film Yet Made

Knucklebuster posted this video with only the comment "so awesome" and I have to agree. It's a trailer for a 70s grindhouse flick so terrible it doesn't even have an entry in IMDB. The tagline: "They want your liquor. They want your women. But most of all, they want everything!"

Everybody Loves A Rapping Squirrel!

The tourist board of Cumbria decided it needed to make Wordsworth and his daffodils a little more youth-oriented. So, obviously, the solution was a rapping squirrel.

You Meet The Nicest People...

According to the Hondells, it's totally awesome to ride around town on a Honda. According to this video, it's particularly great if you live in Portland, Oregon and ride a vintage Honda 650.

True or not, this video, just shy of two minutes long, would make a wonderful advertisement for Honda, the city of Portland, and for the rider, Anna Wild. (Great name, by the way).

Good Advice: Do Not Trifle With Eagles

Despite the production quality and the over-dramatic music, this is still an incredible nature video. The first minutes alone, in which an eagle attacks a mountain goat, will stay with me for weeks. Yes, the eagle wins, pulling the goat off a cliff and dropping it hundreds of feet to its death.

I Never Did Trust That Candy Mountain

I don't know what it is with unicorns, but they seem to be the favorite mythical creatures of animators who are filled with rage and sarcasm. Just look at this video, which I found over at Blame It On The Voices.

The Perfect Cat Video From Japan

From the same people who brought you the video of a cat playing a theremin (while another cat watches!), here is the perfect short cat video from Japan. What I love about it is that it's got everything you need in a video of cats, and nothing more.

Note the pause, the buildup, the comedic punch, all delivered in a tiny package. "Saturday Night Live," with its bloated five-minute one-joke sketches, could learn a lot from this auteur. Even "Robot Chicken" has nothing on this guy for brevity, and as we all know, brevity is the soul of wit. I will say no more. Just watch:

A friend of mine says he's concerned that that these are not clearly and obviously cats of another land. He insists that, since they are Japanese, they should somehow be cooler than they are now. Perhaps they need cute floppy socks, or impossible tentacles, or impossible tentacles with floppy socks on them. I disagree. Toshiro Mifune didn't need either of those things to convey his implacable drive, and neither do these kittens.

Best Wildlife Video Ever

I found this video over on Wired and it's just incredible. It's the sort of nature video that most videographers would have to camp out for weeks to get, but the people who shot it just happened to get lucky. Over the course of a couple minutes, some water buffalo approach a watering hole. They're attacked by lions, and the youngest one gets pulled down to the water's edge. As the lions subdue it, crocodiles lunge from the water for their share of the prize.

Life in the wild: Not easy.

Hey, Remember 1990?

1990. Grunge hadn't yet hit the scene, and 80s thrash-metal was still a major influence. Music video production was just beginning to get over its neon cliches. Mike Patton joined Faith No More. And we got this bizarre concotion:

Online Video Killed The "America's Funniest" Star

Last week, for reasons I'm not entirely sure about, I saw about two minutes of "America's Funniest Home Videos." Yeah, it's still on. And you know what? I laughed.

It wasn't anything special: A guy getting hit in the nuts with a baseball. A guy getting hit in the nuts with a football. A dog knocking over a camera. A hamster tripping on its own feet. But it was hilarious. And it occurred to me that I still watch a lot of similar stuff, although not on TV. I watch it on YouTube and MySpaceTV and so forth.

Accidental slapstick is still totally awesome. Seriously, just watch this kid and tell me that's not funny. I mean, assuming he doesn't have horrible neck injuries. If he's really hurt himself, it's downright hilarious.

If you watch this 100 times you will still laugh 2!

Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie

"The Colbert Report" and "The Daily Show" do a great job of skewering political and national news, but what about the equally overblown and uninformative local news? Who will mock them and remind them of their place in the world? Well, obviously, that duty falls to the Onion News Network, in clips like this one, where anchors debate which actors will portray missing hikers in the TV movie that will inevitably portray their possibly-fatal ordeal.

Is Tracy Morgan Funnier Than Chris Rock?

Watch this video and tell me what you think.

Musical Interlude Featuring Gunther

At some point, ironic hipsterism just becomes confusing. How seriously does Gunther take himself? Nobody will ever know, but he's managed to get 80's pop icon Samantha Fox to join him in a video called "Touch Me Now." You may also remember samples of his famous "Ding Dong Song" appearing in one episode of "Beauty And The Geek" a year or so ago. So he's definitely a real "artist" and has consistently produced these apparently sincere pop confections for some time now. But does he mean it? Does it matter?

Chappelle's Block Party: Mature Audiences On Friday

Maybe it's the excitement of Friday afternoon, but I started laughing before David Chappelle's Block Party even got underway. Why? The announcer warning that it's for "Matooor" audiences only. Bwahahaha.

Library Rap

It's Monday. Back to school, back to work, and back to the library. Here's a song about it, from an old episode of the many-universes sci-fi show "Sliders:"

Planet Unicorn

It's a weird parody of children's programming. And it's also a parody of Tom Cruise. And it's also just bizarre. It's... Planet Unicorn! See all six episodes of fabulous unicorny entertainment!

Japanese Game Shows: Always Strange

Maybe it's the lack of subtitles, and maybe it's the game-show convention from the other side of the world I just don't get, but Japanese game shows are nothing short of mind-boggling to me. In this one, there don't even seem to be any prizes: It's just about being bitten by snakes. I'm guessing they're not poisonous, but still: Snakebite to the nose! For entertainment!

Triabetes: The Diabetic Team Of Endurance Athletes

Not many people in the world can swim 2.4 miles in open sea, much less follow that swim with a 115-mile bike ride and a 26.2 mile run. People who can do it while also checking and adjusting their blood glucose levels manually are a very select breed: This year, there are ten of them. Yes, ten diabetic endurance athletes will be pushing the boundaries of personal ability and diabetes research at the Iron Man triathlon. They'll be inspiring people all over the world. And they're going to be in a movie, too. How awesome is this?

The Most Bizarre Animal Video I've Seen Today

I watch a lot of bad videos while looking for brilliant ones. This is one of the bizarre gems I just can't ignore. Yes, it's from Cute Overload. Other people seem to think it's adorable, but all I can think is "How hard is it to get moose-crap out of a shag carpet?"

Noir Meets Monsters

The voices and pacing aren't quite right, but the concept for HungryManTV's "Strange Detective Tales" is gold: Washed-up monsters who couldn't make it as movie stars, living in the shadows in Los Angeles. Igor and Renfield are private detectives, hired by a mermaid to find her missing werewolf husband, who wants to become a rock singer. Obviously.

I could see this getting picked up by the Cartoon Network; depending on whether it gets dirty and violent or not, it could play in the Adult Swim block or the youth block. I like it.

Can You Surf A River? Yes, And Upstream, Too

I found this incredible surf video on Oddee. It shows someone surfing what is less a wave and more of a biannual river phenomenon: The Atlantic rushes up the Amazon river for miles, carrying away trees, animals, houses, and the occasional foolhardy or intrepid surfer. Dangerous? Of course! Awesome? Definitely.

Adorable Moralizing: Wubbcast

If only certain grownups would listen to this sound advice, we'd have a hell of a lot fewer problems.

We'll Always Have Something On The Table

Inflation and the housing crisis got you down? Don't worry, you'll always have something to eat as long as you know how to noodle a catfish.

It Makes Sense To Me

Yeah, those pressure-washer nozzles are pretty harsh to use on skin. I mean, it would have made more sense to use a bucket and a rag. Still, if my kid had a poop-covered temper tantrum, I'd probably be tempted to turn any available hose on the little monster. I have a lot of sympathy for the mom here.

When Robots Do Our Playing For Us

Best YouTube find of the week goes to Ectomo, the blog of strange and unsettling phenomena. Behold: A dog playing fetch with a ball-throwing machine.

YouTube Tells Me The Future

When I am old, I'm going to be that creepy old guy who lives alone with his cats and piles of newspaper clippings about cats. Well, instead of newspapers, maybe it's going to be banks of hard drives filled with downloaded cat videos. So, it will be less cluttered, but still creepy and sad.

I say this because no SNL Digital Short can prove as amusing to me as this video of "The Cat Of 1000 Faces:" which I found on Cute Overload:

Jason Lewis Gets This All The Time, I'm Sure

Jason Lewis, best known as Samantha's improbably hot boyfriend on "Sex And The City," has a guest spot on "Head Case." But I don't know that it could be all that fictional. I mean, isn't his life a continuous whirlwind of passionate kissing from strange women?

Swords Are Dangerous

Channel 101 is a web-based producer of low-budget wacky comedy. One, called "Cautionary Tales Of Swords," is... well, a series of cautionary tales of swords. As the romantic interest says at the beginning, "That's really thoughtful. Kind of homophobic, but really thoughtful." Full of profanity, so turn the volume down low if you're at work.

Ellen Page Is Totally Heterosexual In This Video

Ellen Page made some jokes about being a lesbian. It's not very funny.

Jack Goes For Hillary. In Character.

It may be too late, but Hillary Clinton just got the coolest YouTube endorsement of the season. Forget Will.i.am. for Obama and check out out Jack Nicholson's endorsement of Hillary, featuring clips from some of his biggest movies.

"We All Know Shatner's Nuts"

"... but only George Takei has actually tasted them." I don't know why I missed it until now, but the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner has all the vicious, angry, filthy, filthy humor I just absolutely love. Betty White, I think has got to be my favorite. Or maybe George Takei, whose insults seem a little more sincere - and a little funnier because of it. Oh, hell, I like them all.

The following clip is definitely not safe for work... and neither are any of the other related videos linked from it.

Jimmy Kimmel Gets Revenge With Ben Affleck

A couple weeks ago, Sarah Silverman visited her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel on his late-night show and brought along a prank: A song and dance about having an affair with Matt Damon, starring Matt Damon and the f-word. Well, Jimmy's gotten her back with an eerily similar video starring Matt Damon's friend and rival, Ben Affleck. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel is f***ing Ben Affleck, with the cooperation of cameos from Brad Pitt, Robin Williams, and a dozen or so other celebs in a star-studded tribute to... something.

Internet Series "We Need Girlfriends" Gets CBS Pickup

Slate reports that the web series "We Need Girlfriends," about lovably unlovable dudes doing their single schlubby thing, has been picked up by CBS. It'll be adapted and probably refilmed with better production values, but you can watch the original version now. Here's the first one; the rest are up at weneedgirlfriends.com.

Next Remake: "Airwolf"

Jan-Michael Vincent. Ernest Borgnine. A helicopter. You can't go wrong with a show like "Airwolf." I don't see why they haven't remade it yet. I guess now that "Knight Rider" and "Battlestar Galactica" have both seen new versions, we'll be seeing a new "Airwolf" as well. Just think of the product placement opportunities with the Marines and Northrup-Grumman!

Ahmet Zappa... Terrorist?

Sleepaway camp in Fresno, CA? Or Taliban terrorist training camp in Fresno, CA? Both seem to involve archery! Ahmet Zappa explains the difference on this week's "Head Case."

Valentine's Day Spectacular

This video, from my favorite "ANTM" watchers FourFour, is just about perfect for Valentine's day. Especially if you think Valentine's day is overdone and kind of irritating.

PS: "America's Next Top Model" returns February 20th.

It Just Seems Like A Day For Videos Today

I don't know why, but today seems like a day for videos. Here's one I found over at the wide-ranging and eclectic Unfogged, featuring Olivia Judson, the author of "Dr. Tatania's Sex Advice To All Creation," a book about evolutionary biology. It might not be safe for work, because although it's a nature documentary, it features an awful lot of different animals doing the whole birds-and-bees routine.

Did You Ever Think About The Balrog's Feelings?

The following video is a French production about a video-game monster who gets sick of playing the bad guy all the time, quits his job, and starts going to auditions for other video games. Can he make it in The Sims? How about Mario Brothers? Dance Dance Revolution? Disco Balrog!

Bo Burnham: Your Next Big Comedy Star

Seriously. This morning's Boston Globe ran a front-page feature on a 17-year-old kid who lives just down the road from me here on the North Shore and has become a YouTube sensation with his funnyass original songs and deadpan performance. Think Loudon Wainwright as a teenager, with a little George Carlin and a little Adam Sandler thrown in. He's already hooked up with a manager and a Comedy Central gig, and well, mark my words, he's gonna be somebody. I mean, anybody who can get laughs singing about Helen Keller "reading" the zits on his ass is OK by me. But he's got subtler chops too. Watch how the video for the one that started it all, "My Whole Family (Thinks I'm Gay)," ends with him opening his mouth to say something - maybe "I am" - but cuts him off. Leaving it ambiguous, the mark of a pro. Here are a couple of politically incorrect NSFW samples, "The Perfect Woman" and "My Whole Family":

Joel Madden Would Rather Be A Dentist

If "In Treatment" gets you down with its psychodrama and "realistic" portrayal of the reasons people seek therapy, maybe you should try "Head Cases," on STARZ, featuring things like this scene, in which Joel Madden talks about how rock music is "just complaining" and how he'd rather be a dentist or even a dental hygenist, because "if the eyes are the window to the soul, the mouth is the door."

McCain And Obama Get Remixed

You might have seen the Obama speech remixed by Jesse Dylan (best known as the son of Bob Dylan) and Will.i.am. You know, the one with a whole bunch of stars alongside Barack Obama as he calls out his message of hope, and everyone singing "yes we can."

Well, no YouTube video phenomenon is complete without a response video, and Towle Road has pointed us to a brilliant montage of McCain soundbites given the same singalong treatment. It's called "like hope, but different."

The '70s Rule: Rock Hudson And Bea Arthur Sing About Dope

Thanks to Tifaux, for, um, turning me on to this. Check out this video or Rock Hudson and Bea Arthur on some 1970s variety show singing about drugs. It's a jaunty little number, and they seem to want to sound nostalgic for the days when "amyl nitrate was just a guy's name." But the closeted actor and "Maude" seem to betray quite a bit of familiarity with the world of "sniff, swig, puff...everybody today is turning on."

"American Idol" Provides The Best Video Of The Week

I've watched a lot of videos online this week. I downloaded "In Treatment" through iTunes. I checked out what kind of lifestyle advice "Danny Bonaduce, Life Coach" would have for me and watched a Spanish nature documentary about polar bears and whales.  I even watched a baseball star at a cockfight.

But the video I keep coming back to this week is from "American Idol." It's the atrocious montage of people butchering the Fergie song "Glamorous." I'm seriously tempted to buy a spinning chrome car wheel to wear as a necklace, and I keep bopping around my house singing "grammerous, grammerous, frossy fossy" and then realizing that it reflects really badly on me as a person. I may be going to hell, but I challenge you to watch this video and tell me it's not hypnotic:

Spanish TV Reminder: Do Not Mess With Polar Bears

Even if you don't speak Spanish, this video of beluga whales surrounded by ice and hunted by polar bears is incredibly haunting. The final scene, of a cuddly polar bear with a blood-stained snout, reminds you that polar bears are predators you don't want to encounter.

"Danny Bonaduce, Life Coach"

Got a weird short-form animated concept that just won't fly in prime time? That's OK, CBS has an online division now, to showcase such brilliant ideas as "Danny Bonaduce: Life Coach," co-starring Tony Romo, Jessica Simpson, Joe Simpson ("not creepy at all!"), Britney Spears, and Amy Winehouse. Oh, and Danny's chihuahua, Catchphase. Is it any good? Hey, it's free!

Local News Covers Dog Waste Ransom Note

Someone's gone and kidnapped a statue of Jesus and is holding it for ransom over a dispute about dog poop. The ransom note refers to "wieners" because the dogs in question are dachshunds, but there is still no excuse for referring to excrement as "wiener poopie."

Kidnapping a concrete Jesus statue? Doesn't seem any worse than gnomes to me, but what do I know?

Chris Berman Bloopers On "Monday Night Countdown"

Chris Berman, the host of "Monday Night Countdown," was caught on tape doing what I can only assume is a an impression Kelsey Grammer in the opening scenes of "Back To You." Wow is he mad.

In Honor Of Martin Luther King Jr.

Because it's MLK day here in the US, a lot of people will be talking about the "I Have A Dream" speech. It's an important piece of American history and having it available on video at any time is one of the greatest things YouTube has done.

But while we're all patting ourselves on the back for making racism an ugly vestige of the past, we'd do well to take into account some of Dr. King's other speeches, those about war and poverty and justice, which we tend to ignore these days. So, why not have a